PAIN.

Chapter 1:

Pain: On Google, it states that "pain is a signal in your nervous system that something may be wrong". That was the very first thing that I had learned about the brilliant thing known as Biology. Did you know that the human body contains around 100 billion neurons that are part of our nervous tissues? The nerves in our body are so fragile and can be easily damaged with any pressure that is put on them. Damage to nerves can cause the motor and sensory damage to be both long term and short term. When a nerve is damaged, signals that are given to and from the brain become slower and in time could stop working altogether. Sure, they can gradually heal themselves if we are lucky and if they receive the correct treatment, other than that all we can do is hope. I guess for me, all hope was thrown out the window the same time I was causing me to suffer from paraplegia- Paralysis. What is that you ask? Don't worry, that was the first question I asked when I woke up not being able to feel my legs. It Is impairment in the motor functions of the lower extremities. To sum it up to you, it means that both of my legs did not work, and they hadn't for the past three months at this point of my life. It is all a little bit ironic to me to be honest with everyone, you know, how someone can feel so much pain, but at the same time feel nothing at all. I laugh when I think about the irony of that. 

I remember staring at myself in the mirror not being able to recognize the person that was staring back at me. My once long, thick brown hair had now been cut into a long bob. Oh, how I hated that hairstyle. Due to all the medication that I had taken, the long hours hooked onto medical machines and obviously depression had a very big part to play in my hair falling out making it extremely thin and, as if, I say this in my father's words: like I was 'some cancer patient'. I remember listening to my mum's slight whimpers when my hair was being cut. Of course, I had a few snips here and there, but my hair has been growing without a proper change of style since I was born. I had hair that was, excuse my language, down to my fucking ass. I was used to having long hair, I loved my hair. I never cried about it in front of my mum though. I guess you have to be strong in some scenarios. I cried after visiting hours were over. After everything that had happened to me, my bright ocean blue eyes looked as though they were polluted. They were dark, the only way I could describe them is being almost someone else's eyes. I used to have this little laugh with my friends that when I was having surgery they swapped my eyes out for someone else's. Just a little joke between us. That doesn't take away the fact that it was like I was staring at myself from another person's perspective, someone who hated me, someone who wanted to only see me suffer, someone who knew how I felt inside when I was all alone.

"Knock, knock" I hear behind me and I look up making eye contact with my mum through the well-cleaned mirror. My mum makes her way to me and hugs me from behind my wheelchair tightly like she does every single morning. "How are you feeling about today my beautiful baby?" she kisses me on the cheek. I shrug my shoulders knowing for a fact that I was not as ready as what everyone said I was. I wasn't ready to go back to school; I wasn't ready to face anyone. "You have to go back sometime. The hardest day is always the very first one" she smiled at me through the mirror as I looked down at my legs. I kept a straight face as she let me go and walked over to my wardrobe. As she let go of me, I felt the coldness on my neck realizing suddenly I wanted her to hold onto me forever. I couldn't tell her that though, I didn't want her to think that I always needed her.

"What do you want to wear today then?" My mum pulled out a bunch of different clothing. I shrugged my shoulders not giving her too much to work with. That was my usual reaction to everything these days. I hadn't spoken properly since I found out I may never get to walk again. It was almost as if my voice box was also paralyzed along with my legs. I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to be all alone. "I think maybe we should go for the dress" Mum walked over to me with enthusiasm in her voice. I nodded not wanting to argue with her and my mum smiled at me brushing her hand over my face. "come on then, let's get you ready for your first day back! Allison will be here soon".