Of Tragedy, Trauma, and Transgender

Chapter 3: Attempted Apologies (Wednesday)

Today was going to be my first counseling session.

I was both excited and nervous. But today, I was going to talk with someone new, and who I could be honest with.

I went to the office as soon as I walked into the building, and she was inside her office this time.

I told her I could meet in the mornings the day before.

I had woken my entire family early. Except for Dad, because he wakes up even earlier than us to go to work.

I was actually kind of happy that I got to go because I was getting help with my issue at the same time avoiding the loneliness.

That day, when I first came there, my mind was clouded with emotions I didn't like.

I didn't...get them. I never usually felt them, even if I DID do something bad.

For a long time, I thought I was a legit psychopath, but I didn't revel in it or anything, it's just something I kept to myself.

I was never disturbed by it, it's just as long as I didn't become my aunt, I think I'd be okay.

What I had done without thinking had made me feel scared at my own impulsiveness.

I had done violent things before without batting an eye! How could this be any different?

I wouldn't say I felt guilty, but I did feel bad about losing her as a friend.

I also, really really really love her, like undying love, but as a friend.

We were in a relationship for a little while, but I ended it both times.

She always reminded me of it whenever the topic of us dating came up.

I'd always laugh quietly and change the subject, but it ate at me...

Moving on!

I went to the counselor at last.

"So, what's happening?" she asked me like yesterday.

I explained, and I started getting a little upset with my confusion.

"I just-...I just don't get why she's still MAD!" I finished, folding my arms.

"Kiddo," she started, and I looked at her, "Kiddo, ya don't put your hands on people."

There is was. That feeling, but now it was in my head, not my stomach.

No wait, this is good. I told myself. You need to learn your lesson quickly.

I sighed, "I know..."

Since I tried to learn my lesson as soon as possible (though it was a little difficult), we got to talking about how it happened.

She told me it was normal for my age to be impulsive (which was a relief).

"You see, your frontal lobe doesn't form fully until your in your early twenties!" she explained, "It controls impulse, how far you go with your emotions, and thinking automatically before doing things!"

We talked some more, and I asked her how I should apologize.

"You don't even have to apologize necessarily!" she assured me, "You should just tell her it really bothered you and that you should talk things out!"

"'Kay, that sounds like a good idea," as you can see, I wasn't completely verbal.

"Come see me anytime, kiddo," she said, writing my pass for math.

I think a felt better after that. When lunch (fifth period) came up, I walked down the hallway and waited at Abby's locker while she got her things.

The guy Trinity (there were three, and I'm friends with them all), was messing around being his weird self (as most of us were).

"That's random," I commented, managing a small smile.

Abby finally got her stuff into her locker, and I decide to get her attention.

"Abby."

She glanced at me.

"Abby...!"

She started walking away.

I sort of gave chase (we weren't really running), and I started spewing out an explanation, paraphrasing the counselor's words.

"It really bothered me about what happened," I said quickly, but quietly.

Continuing, I said, "You're never going to solve the problem if you don't put two and two together!"

She mumbled, "Do you know what you did?"

"Of COURSE I know what I did, do you think I would ever forget?! " I said, borderline shouting, "You know you did things, too! And you told me to!"

But she just ran away. Slowing down, my eyes widened like I had been scarred.

Failure. I can never do anything right, can I?

Psychopath. That apology didn't even sound real the first time!  Why would I think she'd ever believe me in that tone of voice?!

It's ALWAYS my fault! I am always the one that does wrong! I am a good-for-nothing, impulsive, stupid child who can't even realize when something is a JOKE!

But then the self-deprecating thoughts were argued against by what I think was me defending myself...against myself??

Oh please, she EXPLICITLY asked for it, and I knew it was a joke! DO YOU THINK THAT I'D HURT HER FOR REAL?!

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY WHEN I'VE CAUSED NO HARM!

Honestly, I think she's overreacting the teensiest bit.

But maybe she's not...I don't know.

Then another thought came in. A temporary solution.

You know what they say, if you fail, try, try again. PE would be a good opportunity.

Pfft. Well, that was f*cking lie (quoting a meme, I'm not that mad currently).

I tried to talk to Abby at the beginning of PE because our lockers were right next to each other.

After trying to explain myself for a frustrating moment, I gave up and asked her, "What's your problem?"

She sighed through her teeth, "Just the fact that you did it..."

I grit my teeth, "YOU TOLD ME TO!"

Then she got mad, also, "If I handed you a gun and told you to shoot me, would you!?"

"NO!" I practically shouted, "BECAUSE THAT WOULD KILL YOU!"

I sighed, continuing frustratedly, "And I'd never want to kill you. I'd never want to hurt you..."

Then I went to the classroom next to the changing room because I was done changing.

She avoided me all PE, and ended up sitting alone.

For some reason, I felt sad that she was sitting alone while I was friends with other people in the class.

I was probably her link to the other girls here, then. That made me mildly angry.

Was that all I was...? A link?

At the end of PE, when we were changing out of our clothes, I tried one more time to tell her we needed to talk about the problem, or else we'd never make up.

Finally, I asked, "Are you really gonna let one thing ruin a seven-year friendship?"

All she mumbled was, "Among other things..."

"Oh, so this is an 'I'm so tired of your shit' thing?" I asked as casually as if we were talking about primary succession.

"Yeah."

I grabbed my stuff and turned away, saying, "Fine. You should have told me earlier so I could give up sooner."

I didn't even cry.