(a/n: please note that this is what Skylar felt at the time!!! They may not feel so strongly about that in the future, but some of it was so hurtful that I just have to warn you, I'm sorry!!!!!)
Okay, I lied. I totally cried a little.
But it didn't count because the tears didn't drip down my face.
But they were there; a barely visible glaze over my eyes.
Over the years of my life, I had learned to suck my feelings because it felt like no one would care.
It was very embarrassing for me to cry, so I rarely did.
The thing was, people started caring about you when you cried, but I'm sure it's only because they don't want to get in trouble.
I want people to care about me because I care about them.
Not because of a fucking pity party.
Ohh, she's crying, it looks like a girl so I have to pretend to care-NO.
Fuck anyone who only cares when you cry.
I repeat, FUCK THOSE PEOPLE WHO ONLY CARE ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU CRY!
If they are true friends, they will try their best to be sympathetic, even when you aren't crying.
The whole point of friends comforting you is so you don't cry, making you feel worse.
They'll let you cry, of course, but they'll try to make you happier, too.
Anything to see you smile again, because if they care, they love that smile.
They will appreciate EVERYTHING you do for them, whether you owed them or not, they WILL say thank you.
If they don't, don't do SHIT for them (unless they are mute and don't know sign language, but they'll show that they love you in other ways).
They will do things for you in return to show how much you mean to them.
True friends never stay apart for long...If you love them, you let them go.
Isn't it just SO HARD to make me mad?
Did you know...that the last time I got angry, was because I was defending you?
Haha...you know, you never help me with anything, right?
Never returned any favors, say 'thank you' about anything, and still hold grudges about things we already made up for in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!?
Not to mention, you've hurt me more than just as much.
Here's the thing! I'm sorry.
Sorry for actually trying to make up.
Sorry for making you my everything.
Sorry I made you happy.
Sorry that I made the mistake of 'your happiness is my happiness'.
Moving on, this day, I wrote something I like to call the "Upset Letter".
It was very angry and sad, and I felt every ounce of betrayal. But things are gonna be different in the future, so I decided not to post it.
I lied again...I posted it for like six hours and then unpublished it because I didn't want to hurt her...your feelings.
Even though...I feel this way, I still...
Oh I still love you. Dammit. Still!!
I still want to love you, and all I can ever think is that it's always my fault...
I can't even type this now without feeling something so old... I'm so confused.
I don't understand...I don't understand...!
Ahaaha ha...
*Quietly* Why can't I just piece this together logically?
Ha... I'm such a psychopath.
I care about you, but I can't feel bad like that... losing you hurts.
I love you, now it's time to let you go.
*Whisper singing* Save my life, I'm going down for the last time~...!
YOU ARE READING
Of Tragedy, Trauma, and Transgender
Non-FictionA few weeks after coming out to his friends as a demi boy, Skylar acts on an impulse and his best friend of seven years ditches the friendship. He goes to the counselor and after a week of appointments and useful conversations, everyone around him...
