When Feelings Lie

Chapter 3

Corinne

Oh, I've been waiting for this day for so long. I am a grown up. Dad told me to wake up earlier and be ready at eight if I want him to paint me. How could I not want it? Instead of a tattoo, I get this painting. It will remain until I wash myself. I won't shower for a week. Ha ha, Zara will be so surprised. Her tattoo is only black. Dad will paint me two or three colors. I asked him to paint me Mom's portrait, but he refused. He said he would paint me a cute teddy bear. That is what he always calls me. Mom used to call me the same. I'm almost crying, but I will not, not today, not on my birthday! I go to my father's workshop, which is huge. I think this is why he wanted to move here, to Montana, where everything is wonderful but too cold. It was the same in New York, they tell me, but I don't remember. I wasn't even one year old when we came here.

"Good morning! Daddy, I'm here!"

Nothing, no answer, no noise. Where is Daddy? He told me to be here at eight. I set my alarm like I was going to school. I washed myself well, put on a dress, and came, and he's not even here. Oh, he is—he's asleep on the couch.

"Daddy, Daddy." I jump on him with a huge smile. "Come on, wish me a happy birthday!" He turns around slowly and hugs me. I make myself little in his arms and immediately get happy. I feel protected in his arms. Dad is big, solid. He's like the father bear that protects his family.

"Happy birthday, princess!" He pulls me harder, and I never want to leave his arms again. I feel so calm. He is caressing my arms, my back, he's putting a leg on me, and I close my eyes, happy...

"This is how your mom was staying when she told me we would have a baby. She came in the workshop—actually, at that time, it was the room with the most windows where we both used to work. She jumped on the sofa and told me she was pregnant with you."

"And were you happy? What did you do?"

"Happy? I was dying of happiness, we loved each other!"

"But you loved each other all the time."

"Of course. This is what two adults who form a family do. They love, create, and make each other happy."

"Do you love me as much as you loved Mom? Do I make you happy?"

Dad doesn't answer immediately. He looks directly at me and doesn't say a word. He opens his mouth but changes his mind and shuts up. I can't believe Dad is upset today, on my birthday. Of course he is upset, if he is thinking and talking about Mom. I tickle him and shake my legs, but he raises his voice at me.

"Enough. Get out of bed and out of the room for ten minutes. Let me get dressed."

I get up, and then I realize that Dad is naked. He is never naked when he sleeps. I know this because I came into his bedroom many times at night after I had dreamed about Mom and woke up crying. He always wears pajamas, but this is not his bed. He slept here because he worked. And Daddy gets giddy when he works too much. We know it, and we keep quiet. We only disturb him to bring him food. After he finishes a painting, he always takes us to movies, to a restaurant, or out shopping. We go riding and even sleep in the tent if the weather is not cold or rainy. Dad always knows how to make us happy. Dad is the best in the world. And he's only ours.

I go out the door and run through the kitchen. Then I go to the front of the house. Everything is arranged for when my colleagues will come at twelve pm. After I get a little nervous, I knock on the door and enter. Dad has set up everything, but I don't know where to sit.

"Come here," he tells me and points to a pretty big table. "In the beginning, you will sit down, and then, if you want a bigger bear, you will lie down."