Blooming Hearts

Chapter 1

I am now packing things to move out from this apartment.

"Saan ko ilalagay 'tong mga kitchen utensils mo?" sabi ni Kiesha habang tinitingnan niya ang mga gamit.

"May box pa ako dito. Diyan mo nalang ilagay." Sagot ko.

We are now currently busy clearing out things here in my apartment. I am diassembling my mini cabinets while si Kiesha naman ay busy sa mga kitchen utensils ko.

"Bakit ba kasi lilipat ka pa e ang laki na ng apartment mo. Editor ka naman? And I think this is the right place for you. Could you reconsider nalang na dito ka muna? Because sayang ang place, e." Sabi niya habang pinapanood niya akong pinapasok sa box ang mga parts ng cabinet.

"Alam mo Kiesha, if ginigawa mo ito para hindi ka na makatulong sa operation clearing things ko, then it is not working. I have decided a long time ago na babalik na talaga ako sa bahay for good. Since wala na mga kapatid ko doon kasi college na and kailangan ni mama ng makakasama niya sa bahay." Sabi ko sa kaniya.

"Is 3 days ago a very long time sa'yo? You just literally said to me na babalik ka sa bahay ninyo doon sa malayo 3 days ago, after sa birthday party ni Lara. And do you remember how I was ugly crying in front of everybody?"

"Ok I'm sorry. Maybe emotional ka lang sa time na 'yon dahil lasing ka sa iniinom mo."

"Mai, I can still remember what happened. I was clearly not drunk at that time."

Tumawa lang ako sa sinabi niya dahil I know for sure that she's drunk because kumukuha na siya ng mic kahit hindi na niya kanta.

"Is this because of Mike?"

I just froze from what I was doing. Kiesha promised to me that she'll never ever mention that name in front of me. I just felt something heavy in my heart so suddenly. I haven't heard of that name for ages and I can't breathe properly.

Huminga ako ng malalim to get myself together.

"Bakit mo naman nasabi yan?"

"Nakita ko sa IG story ni Cher na nasa airport siya with a Philippine flag. They're going home here in the Philippines after their engagement. Did you even know that they got engaged already?"

I was devastated on the inside after hearing what Kiesha just said. Engaged? When? Recently lang? So they are really planning to be with each other. Why..?

"Dapat ko bang malaman yan?" sabi ko kay Kiesha and I can't even hide my trembling voice.

"Mai...do you think it's now a good opportunity na humingi ng closure? Since he left you hanging and—"

"NO!"

I raised my voice. I said that to Kiesha while squeezing the box that I'm holding. I can't just simply face him. Pagkatapos ng lahat niyang ginawa sa akin? He did not even think twice; leaving me behind. Bakit pa ako makikipagkita sa kanya?

"Kiesh, the day that he left me...that's it."

"Ano ang ibig mong sabihin?"

"'Yon na ang closure naman. I consider that time as our closure."

"Mai. For the record, hindi ka lumabas noong pumunta siya sa bahay ninyo the day before siya aalis ng Pilipinas. Sa tingin mo, ano kaya ang sasabihin niya sa iyo noong panahong iyon? Sa tingin mo closure talaga ang pinuntahan niya? Sa tingin mo gusto niya talaga na matapos na kayo?"

Biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko. Ano nga ba talaga ang gusto niyang sabihin? Diba tapos na kami nang sinabihan niya ako na aalis na siya? Diba yun na yun? Bakit pumunta pa siya sa bahay? Ano bang pakay niya?

Pero sigurado namang magpapaalam ulit siya noong pumunta siya sa bahay. Telling me he's leaving is already enough. I won't let these thoughts bother me anymore. I won't let my anxiety mess my mind now.

"Kiesha, I won't see him. Kahit ano pang sabihin mo, I won't talk to him. Maybe I can someday, but not now. The purpose na aalis ako dito sa apartment is clearly for my mama and nothing else." Sabi ko sa kanya.

"You're being selfish"

Tumayo ako when she dropped the word 'selfish' to me. I just can't believe of what I've heard na nanggaling pa talaga sa bibig niya.

"At ako pa ngayon ang selfish?! Why? Hindi pa ba sapat na nasaktan ako ng sobra? For the past 8 years, I've been distracting myself. Kiesh, you are aware of that since you're with me in my journey of this life that I have. You've witnessed me in my weakest times and it has never been easy for me."

Hindi ko napigilan ang aking emosyon at napaiyak nalang ako sa harapan niya. I have never really expected this to happen. I also thought na okay na ako. Pero lingid sa kaalaman ko, hindi pa pala.

"I thought it's okay na...but I was wrong."

Nilapitan ako ni Kiesha at niyakap niya ako. Hinayaan niya lang akong umiyak sa balikat niya. We stood there for like 3 minutes without saying a single word. Just hearing me cry made her understand what I really felt within those 8 years.

I know it's weird for me na hindi pa ako kayang harapin siya pagkatapos ng walong taong nakalipas. It's because I know his presence is not around anymore and I have the slightest possibility na makita ko siya since he is in another country already that is out of my reach sa 8 years na 'yon. Eventually, makakalimutan mo talaga ang tao if hindi mo na sila nakikita. I diverted my attention to something else. I preoccupied myself to be busy and live my life with those people who are with me. But then after hearing the news that he's coming back, I got scared. I got really scared to the point where I quit my job and decided to move out from my current home. I know I am overreacting but I just don't want to see him anymore.

I don't want to talk to him.

I don't want to know the truth.

Takot akong malaman na mali pala ang inaakala ko. I don't want to know why he went to my house because maybe...maybe he did not really want to end us. He did not really want to cut ties with me.

"Wait for me please" might be the words that he'll say to me at that time.

But I don't want myself regretting the decision na hindi lumabas ng bahay when he's waiting at the outside. I don't want to regret that I did that to him. I don't want to blame myself anymore.

Maybe I am indeed selfish.

I am selfish.