psych ➳ muke

12

My fifth day on the in-patient psychiatric floor starts off with an early morning - again. I'm told on weekends we are allowed to sleep in, which means tomorrow I will have an extra two hours of sleep. I wish today were Saturday, but it's not, and I grumble as I climb from the bed. My neck is sore, a knot twisted in the muscle, and I can't seem to work it out. To my surprise, Michael is not in bed. He isn't even in the room, which means he is awake before I am. The night went smoothly, I slept right through, and I question if I slept through one of Michael's episodes. I pad down the bright hallway to the nurse's station to collect my toiletries basket and find Michael standing a few feet away. Upon noticing my presence, Harold ushers Michael off across the hall and into the doctor's office. Something is wrong, I know, but I don't question it. I am not awake enough to question reality.

After my shower, I slink into the group room for our morning meeting. Everyone is already there, including Michael, who seems a bit off. It is like him to be distant, he has always been distant, but something has changed. His right leg is bouncing, his pointer finger tapping on the table. He's nervous. About what, I'm unsure. Per usual, the seat next to him in unoccupied, so I take it upon myself to fill it. He doesn't look at me, just continues to tap tap tap on the table. The room is eerily silent. Only the sound of our breathing is audible. Two chairs are now empty - Clayton and Finn went home yesterday afternoon. It wasn't emotional like I thought it would be. I wondered if I would miss them, but I don't. We were never close. And now, we would never be. They had went on - back to their lives - while I was stuck here.

"Today, we are going to have a short meeting before breakfast is served," Andrew, one of the staff members, says as he sits down, "We will go over which nurses are on shift today and then we will go around the room and see how everyone is doing."

He rattles off the list of nurses and what time their shift starts. The list goes on and on, it seems to last forever, but it only takes a minute. He moves on to the second part of our meeting - how everyone is doing.

Acacia is okay, but she is tired and she is sick of not wearing any makeup. I think she is ugly, inside and out, and make up won't save her.

Ivy says she is paranoid because she had another nightmare last night and she can't seem to convince her brain that it wasn't real.

Levi, who has his hands clasped together so tight that his knuckles have gone white, is fine.

Brynn just wants to go home and misses her parents. In a way, I feel bad for her. I know what it is like to miss your parents, but we miss them in entirely different ways.

Sawyer says he isn't feeling angry, which surprises us all. And Andrew smiles and says that's great! But I don't think it's all that great.

Sutton is lovely, as always. It never changes, even on days she cuts. Lovely - always lovely.

And then all eyes are on me and Andrew is egging me on with a big, toothy grin. How am I?

"I'm depressed," I say, which is true.

Andrew's face falls. His smile disappears and a serious look takes over, "Is there something you would like to share with us?"

I look down at the table, my hands desperately wanting to pick at the hem of my jeans. Do I want to tell them? I sigh out loud, nerves racking through my tense body.

"No."

All of the muscles in my body are tight and I feel a panic attack coming on. My breath is caught in my throat. I am suffocating.