When Half of the World Fall Asleep

01: He was just resting.

01: HE WAS JUST RESTING
written by aby wanders
published 2019

When people said the world is going to end someday, they predicted it a little different. They said, every disaster will happen all at once. The land would shake, the ocean water would rise, and storms would wipe away trees and houses on the same day. No one will see the light of the day except for those who worshipped God. Those who spent the rest of their lives praying towards a God, preparing for rapture.

Rapture. The ascending of good souls to heaven.

They say when Rapture happens, it would be brief. Like a snap of Thanos' hand. Every good soul will just disappear in thin air. Everyone who deserves paradise will be taken right before the world starts to crumble, leaving sinners like me to suffer and witness the earth mold into the second hell.

But all of that are false assumptions. Every disaster movie failed to predict how the world is going to end. Even the religious beliefs about Rapture. It's not all at once.

The second hell is not about the world crumbling down, it's about every sinner's world that's going to be destroyed.

God has a better punishment for the sinners who didn't believe in him. And this is how it started for me.

When Jimin didn't wake up on the day of our last Stadium Tour in Seoul, everyone thought it's just of exhaustion. The six of us worried more about the fans that were hoping to see us the last time before we take a long hiatus than Jimin who was probably just making fun of us.

To be honest we did not see it coming. It wasn't not usual for Jimin to not wake up even being rolled around and slapped in the face. Jimin was a heavy sleeper. But when one of our manager who started to get worried pushed us away from Jimin and put up his index finger below Jimin's nose— that's when my heart started to beat fast.

The whole room went silent when the manager moved from Jimin's nose to putting his ear against our fairy's chest. The hair in the back of my neck stands as I witnessed the worry and panic in the eyes of the manager.

"Call an ambulance, now!" He shouted to anyone inside the room. Namjoon panicked as he tried to call the emergency number. His phone slipped from his hand and it fell on the hard floor. I was no longer surprise, Namjoon was known for being his clumsy self, but it was the way he took it back was what stricken me. His knees shook as he bent down to take it, as well as his hands. It was the very first time in a long time I saw Namjoon falling out of his constantly composed self. Usually, he always knew what to do in situations where panic would ensue inside the room -- but it is only this time that he froze. But it wasn't just him who did not know how to react.

"What's happening? What's wrong with Jimin?" Taehyung looked confused and scared at the same time.

Our manager didn't say anything but instead started to do CPR. One of the bodyguards ushered the rest of the staffs to leave the room to give Jimin space to breathe. If he was even breathing at that time.

One of our stylists tugged me on my sleeve to tell me that we should as well leave. But I stayed still. My feet is stuck to the ground. I couldn't move. I thought that if I moved, I'd shatter into million pieces so I stayed put and didn't listen to her. Nobody else did. We just stayed there and silently prayed.

Prayed to whomever could give life to our fairy, Jiminnie. It was the first time I prayed again. I think the last the time that I did was when I was in high school. When I tried to ask for a sign from Buddha, Jesus or whoever was listening, if I should pursue music or not. I wasn't given a definite answer back then, as I faced multitudes of obstacles on the way. I guess due to it, I stopped believing in the capabilities of a higher being in granting prayers. But that day, that certain day, I cast away all my beliefs-- or the lack of it, and prayed to whomever listened.

Yet again, I just ended up being disappointed.

The ambulance came and a doctor and two nurses came in. I remember how my toes and fingers simultaneously went cold. How I couldn't properly breathe— as if breathing was something offensive to do when Jimin couldn't even.

The doctor started to ask us questions. Like what did he eat before he went to sleep, if he felt any sort of pain days before, or if he has some kind of disease that until now I can't pronounce well. None of those stood a chance to explain what happened to our best friend. Yes, he had a limp days before. But a sprain on the ankle is too far for a heart to just stop functioning.

It was when the fans on the stadium started to sing Spring Day along with the music video that was playing as they wait for us to come out when the doctor declared those three haunting words.

"Time of death .."

Everything after those words I failed to register. It's like a gun was pulled right beside me and my ears started to ring. The ringing was so loud, I couldn't hear the cries of my bandmates.

I caught a glimpse of Jungkook looking up to Namjoon. The way I read his lips, asking our leader innocently, "Hyung it's not true right?" As a tear escaped his eye. But Namjoon couldn't say anything. For the first time, he did not have all the answer.

Taehyung fell to his knees and crawled towards Jimin, shaking him so hard. Among all of the members, though all of us are tied like brothers, Taehyung and Jimin was the closest. They stood together like Yin and Yang, like soulmates, what most of Armys call their duo. Somehow between the moments I've shared with them together, I started to believe that they really were. They had this connection. A brother and a best friend to each other. They always had each others back, something I wish I also had.

Jin hyung followed right after V, screaming after Jimin, pulling the arm of his dongsaeng. Jimin can't be gone, I remember him repeatedly saying those words- almost like a chant. I know it was just him trying to tell himself, surrendering himself to denial.

Hoseok, he cried. He cried so hard his shoulders moved, but he didn't move. It was the type of cry that wails. He wailed and when I saw him— that's when I broke down too.

The way I broke down did not have hot tears pouring down my face. I tried so hard to cry but I couldn't breathe. The lack of oxygen made me faint.

Later on they said it was a panic attack. When I woke up at the hospital, nobody was there to visit except for my family. Apparently when I blacked out, Namjoon and the rest had to gather themselves together for 30 minutes to go out and apologize to our fans. I wasn't there but I felt how agonizing it was to lie in front of a seventy thousand people.

The management decided to keep it at first. They pulled the flu card on me and Jimin. It was fine for a couple of days. The fans took it gladly, saying that rest is what we really need. Even thanked the management for allowing us to. I hope Jimin just needed rest. I hope it was something we could easily find a blame on. But you see, exhaustion wasn't his cause of death. Nobody died for performing too much while getting enough sleep and eating the right food.

They said that he just drifted off and stopped breathing.