When Half of the World Fall Asleep

02: He's a light sleeper, he should be awake by now!

02: HE'S A LIGHT SLEEPER, HE SHOULD BE AWAKE BY NOW!
written by aby wanders
published 2019

They said it's the kind of death, old healthy people have. The painless, most peaceful death. The kind of death that's hard to explain to a million of fans around the globe.

It took two weeks before we had to break out the heart wrenching news. We knew we had to. The fans were looking for him. Jimin's name were on the trends almost every day. It even hit the western media. Dispatch came to look for Jimin. Everyone was looking for him and we already ran out of excuses. Actually, the management left the decision to us. It was us who decided that ARMYs had to know the truth. Even if it's painful.

But the day ...

On that same day after we broke out the news by a fancafe post, I ...

We were still mourning. I still find it hard to go around the dorm without hearing Jimin's voice. We were still on the process of trying to live without the one piece that made seven of us complete, when Hobi followed.

It was the toughest press conference we had to hold. Several medias were there, both local and foreign. The fact that we don't have concrete facts to support as to why Jimin had a sudden death was stressful enough. We were both scared and grieving at the same time. The combination isn't that pretty.

We went with three different cars to go to the venue. I was on the same car with Hobi. It was quite a long ride so Hobi fell asleep on the way. Almost all of us couldn't get a wink of sleep ever since the funeral. The bags under my eyes are crystal clear. The dark circles under Hobi's was harder to cover up with makeup. That was the only time Hobi could sleep, so I let him be.

When we arrived, I didn't bother to wake him up. I immediately went out and closed the door. Unlike Jiminnie, Hobi was a light sleeper. Cough once and he'll frown at you for jolting him awake. So when he didn't come out right after me, I started to get worried.

I hastily opened the door and called after him. "Hoseok-ah!" I screamed right at his face. I never screamed so loud before that. It caught the attention of Jin hyung and Jungkook who just arrived at the venue.

One of our manager pushed me and looked at me weirdly. I already have tears in my eyes when Jin hyung came closer to see what was happening.

"Yoongi-hyung, why are you crying?" Was the first thing Namjoon said as soon as he got off the car.

"He's not waking up." I tell the manager instead, who was patiently trying to wake up Hoseok. "He's a light sleeper! He should be awake by now!" I was hysterical. I knew it came off a little bit out of hand but I was still scarred of what had happen to Jimin -- I've grown even more sensitive than before.

The whole situation looked ridiculous to a lot of people around there. Jungkook even chuckled nervously. "Hobi must be just really tired hyung. He hadn't slept for a while since ..." Jungkook stops himself from finishing that very sentence.

"Who fucking knows CPR?!" I ignore the protests that's building around me. I may look crazy, but I stay close to the facts. The rest of bangtan knows it, but only kept a blind faith. Nobody wanted to face the truth. Nobody wanted to believe it.

So I went and tried my best to revive Hobi myself. A lost cause that is. When Hobi's nonexistent breathing was confirmed by a medic that was hanging around the press conference, that's when I lost it.

I erupted like a volcano. I guess that's how I coped up with too much sadness and pressure. The last time I expressed such anger and rage was during our predebut days. Namjoon and I were facing tons of discrimination as well as unfair treatment from the higher ups in the music industry that built up too much pain. So when Namjoon mistakenly gave away an original composed song by me instead of his to sell to underground artists, I just lost it. I guess that only happens when I couldn't do anything anymore. When I'm helpless and ran out of places to run to.

Manager Seijin had to bring me somewhere else for me to cool myself off. When the rage was too much for me to handle, I threw and broke things. I didn't care if the things I broke were expensive, I could pay for it now. But what worth could money offer when it can't even bring back your best friends? So I broke more things. Tables, chairs, mirrors.

When I didn't have anything to break anymore, I tried to break myself instead. Punch my chest several times so hard because my heart ached. It ached so bad I started to wail. I didn't know where to project the pain. But a part of me blamed myself for letting Hobi sleep. I should've known it was the last time he'll close his eyes.

I was on a separate room, wailing, while the rest of Bangtan were brought to another. None of them went to the hospital with Hoseok's body. I guess none could stomach it.

When I entered that room after I calmed myself, I found them all silent. As if all the tears that could be shed, have been shed to the floor already. It was then when Namjoon broke the news to me.

He said, it wasn't just us that's suffering. Half of the world already was. My mind was too clouded to comprehend what he meant, that I resorted into violence. The only outlet I knew.

"Are you trying to say we aren't any special? Of course, a lot of people die too! Do you mean we should mourn for everyone's death?"

I raised my hand against Namjoon, and I was about to swing when Taehyung spoke out of a sudden. "Jimin and Hoseok aren't here to stop you from fighting." His voice was deep and serious. Taehyung obviously wasn't trying to stop the fight, he was just stating the obvious.

And he was right. The two were known to be our peacekeepers. When things get rough we always run to the two. They're the fairy and sunshine of our group— the goodest of all. They were too good for us.

"I'm sorry." I let go of Namjoon and found myself a seat, calming myself by doing the breathing exercise taught by my therapist.
"It's okay." Namjoon finds a corner and does the same.