if i could take it all back i would,
countless memories,
every kiss, smile and laugh,
but how can i take back something that never even existed?
it only ever did in my imagination,
in the back of my attention stripped mind,
along with other countless lies, and a bundle of loss,
ignored cries for help and a suicidal belief,
that everything would just be better if i was gone.
and many people have led me to believe that it was true,
including my lover,
the one who tore my heart open and fed it back to me,
countless times again.
the countless nights i would lie awake,
anxiety filled thoughts of dread,
and the empty feeling of no self-esteem.
countless times have i said, "i hate myself," and "im not worth it",
and believing it wasn't a choice,
but my reality.
the only thing that stopped it was my own love,
the unrequited desperacy.
