Beneath the fear

First Wave

I'm shivering. Not because I'm cold, but because I'm terrified! I can't believe I'm out here, what was I thinking? I don't belong here, amongst these pros, they all know exactly what they're doing. It took almost everything I had just to get out here, god knows if I can make it back in one piece.

I used to watch them out here, having the time of their lives, not a care in the world. I wanted to join them so badly, but my legs always refused to carry me beyond the edge, keeping me rooted, safe, too safe—or just plain boring.

They made it look so easy, so effortless. I hated them for it. But I made it, I'm out here with them now.

It's so beautiful out here, the calm before the storm. I close my eyes and take a breath while I still can, and for a moment I'm floating, drifting through the void. The sun bathes my skin with its soothing, warming rays, temporarily taming my trembling limbs.

Something brushes by my foot and it's back again—that fear. But then there's something beneath it, something stronger than it, spurring me on. It's what brought me here today. The cool, white light of courage, filling up my lungs and expanding outwards to swallow up the darkness of the unknown. My dad once told me it's ok to be scared, it keeps you sharp. If you're not scared then you're not thinking. Well, I must be some kind of a genius right about now!

It's almost time, I can feel it. We can all feel it, building in intensity. God, what if I can't actually do this? What if I make an absolute fool of myself? What if I don't make it? Too late now, there's only one way back. I have to try, no, do this. It's now or never.

It's just me now. I tune out the others as I turn and focus on what I have to do. This is it! The force builds at my back and I pull furiously with both arms, keeping up with the monster as it tries to overtake me. I thrust my feet into place and tower above the blue giant, arms outstretched, gliding like a skater across a frozen pond, smooth and steady. I'm doing it!

I'm nearly there, I'm still standing, this is unbelievable! I've never felt this kind of power before, such exhilaration, such... oh shit. I'm down. Tumbling. Churning in a vat of uncertainty, I can't tell which way is up anymore.

The tide spits me out like a chewed up old piece of gum and I lie, exhausted, in a heap of joy on the sand. I did it, I made it!

I sit up and gaze out at the vast, mysterious deep that once tormented and terrorised me. Now it calls to me, invites me back for more. I am transformed, I can feel it. I am alive!

I grab my board and wade back out. I will rise again.