dying | c.h

Prologue

You will never know how important your life is to you until you almost lose it. 

I don't know how many times I've been told this statement in my life, maybe 10 or 15 times, but I never believed it until that day. The day that had changed my life. The day that had made me finally believe that every single person walking on this damned earth is taking their lives for granted.

I was 14 when I was told that I was living with Colon cancer. I had been told that I was in the first stage, so it wasn't that serious, but if they didn't start the chemo it would get worst and the percentage of me making it wouldn't be high. And by that point I was already zoned out, thinking of how I didn't know and how long I had it. I remember looking over to my mother, who was bawling out tears, and wondering how she felt, and frankly it seemed like she was the one with cancer, not me. 

I also remember not being scared. They say if you're not crying the first time you hear that you have cancer that you're probably in shock, or already so depressed that you don't care about the fact that all of the odds are against you surviving. I wasn't in shock, even though that was what Dr. Noise thought, or depressed; I was simply just surprised. I was surprised that someone like me could live with something so serious and not know, and it made me wonder about everyone else and if they could be living with something equally as deadly and just not know about it. 

A few months into chemo, I learned that I was doing fine. I was told that there was nothing to worry about, and that if I kept it up, I would be in remission in no time, living my life just as I did before that day. 

And I did. I went into remission 9 months after being told that the chemo was working, and I was set free into the world with no care in the world, and weekly visits to the doctors just to make sure I was doing just fine. Typically, If you heard that you were in remission, you'd be happy. You'd rise from the pits of depression and fly into happiness cancer-free and carefree, but I of course, was the complete opposite. 

I became depressed, even more so than I had been during chemo. No one understood how although, I was 'cancer free and I should be the happiness and most grateful person in the world'. But I wasn't. I began to self harm and isolate myself from others because even though I myself was now 'normal', I felt as though I was the one sticking out. I had began missing meals left and right and began to think about suicide and how easy and painless it would be. 

The last thing I remember is writing my suicide note. I had made sure I included my friends and family, and made sure I put I was sorry about 20 times in each sentence. I remember logging in to twitter to say goodbye when I saw the tweet. My vision was blurry from the tears, but the only thing I could read was one word. 

That word read, '5SOS.'

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Hai! This is the prologue, sorry its a bit depressing! the story itself will not be as depressing, I just wanted to try to get into a cancers patients head. 

Love All,

xoxo- Alisa