The Most Dysfunctional Family in History

Peace Found in Freedom

It was a normal night in the Akatsuki base, Deidara and Hidan arguing, Zetsu tending to his garden, Pein doing paperwork and yelling at Konan to stop folding his damn paperwork, Itachi's painting his nails, Tobi is being an idiot in his room, Kakuzu's counting money, and Kisame is reading.

Where is Sasori? Well, he is cooking, by order of Pein.

Turning away from the bowl he is preparing, he yells, "SET THE TABLE BRAT," towards the living room.

Judging by the growl and grumbles stomping in the kitchen his message was received. After the table was set, the food was placed down, and the members were cleaned up and sat at the table, dinner began.

It was full of playful banter and calm smiles, the room filled with a rather gentle aura for an S-rank criminal dinner table.

"Sasori, did you complete my orders for your mission successfully," Pein asks him seriously as he gazes at the small redhead. Nodding his head with a small smirk, he stares at his leader, "Have I ever failed you?"

Pein simply nods in agreement, "Fair enough." With all, but one ninja aware of the plan, the lone criminal gazed around very confused, "What plan?" Pein spares them a glance, "For you to know pain."

A mere second later, they collapsed to the ground, paralyzed and pissed.

"So he's unable to move now?" An affirmative nod from the still-eating puppet was all it took for their leader to grin like a madman.

"In that case," Pein cracked his knuckles and drug the paralyzed Tobi to his office where he proceeded to beat the man to an inch of his life. "All the bullshit you've put me through, this was way overdue."

A growl left the man as he attempted to look up, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Pein rolled his eyes and lifted his palm, "ALMIGHTY PUSH!"

Tobi flew through the door and rolled into the circle of pissed-off Akatsuki members. "It's simple Tobi, un! You're being overthrown, hm!"

Laughter followed the bomber's proclamation before they all proceed to beat the crap out of Tobi, except for the little puppet boy that was still eating, and Itachi who was joining him.

"Such barbarians," this made the puppet chuckle with the simple response, "Humans have a strong urge for revenge when betrayed, it makes for great entertainment." The Uchiha couldn't even argue considering his Sasuke situation so he nodded in agreement.

"Ahem! If you are quite down beating that asshole, can I poison him now?" Everyone stopped and stared at the redhead before pouting and nodding.

"Thank you." Standing from the table and walking over to them, Sasori gave himself a minute to almost feel bad for the man before shoving it away and beating him up a bit too. "Feels good."

The others murmur in agreement before watching the boy take off his cloak to reveal his perfect puppet body, right down to those teal nails and ninja pants. "I would ask if you have any last words, but I don't give a fuck."

With that, he straightens out his body and sends his poisoned stinger into Tobi's body, and soon retrieves it.

Dying swiftly Tobi glares hatefully at them all and utters the simple phrase, "See you in hell, monsters," before succumbing to the poison and ending his agony.

Everyone heaves a deep breath and relaxes for the first time, speaking in sync, "Finally, we're free."

Popping champagne and chatting pleasantly in the Akatsuki living room, the members mumbled about their newfound freedom.

A clinking on a glass drew everyone to Pein who was standing with a pleasant smile on his face for once, "Now that we've gotten rid of that thorn we're able to move on to actual plans of peace instead of destruction."

A wooden hand raised, "Does that mean Deidara can stop the disgrace, that he calls art." His response was a punch to the arm and a growl, "Why the hell am I dating you again?!"

A series of chuckles echoed throughout the room at the artist duo, while Konan was having a yaoi attack in the corner of the room. "No, Sasori, but it does mean our plans have changed for the better. We're going to be enacting a series of crucial missions."

Now holding everyone's attention he had a serious look in his eye, "Starting with bringing the Jinchuriki of Konoha here." Kakuzu sighed, "If we're going through with Madara's plan anyway, then what was the point of killing him?"

At this, Pein scoffed. "You misunderstand, we aren't taking out the Jinchuriki we are going to have him join the Akatsuki." Now that shocked everyone into silence.

"We're bringing him and Suna's here to join us, they're the most likely to be willing participants."

Deidara spoke up this time, "And what makes you think two little kids, while want to join a group of S-rank criminals willingly?"

A hum echoed throughout the room as Itachi voiced his thoughts to Deidara's irritation, "Well Deidara their lives in their villages are rather, terrible, so it's natural they'll want to leave for even the smallest chance for a better life."

Nodding in approval, Pein continued, "Exactly, besides I've had Zetsu and an informant from Kiri observe their movements and frankly with the suffering these kids go through, I doubt they will say no. If they do, we won't make them."

All the members slowly blinked at their leader with a "WTF" face, "That kind of goes against the peace plan."

Shrugging, variations of "fair enough" filled the air. "Good now, we will collect the Jinchurikis one at a time, Konoha's Jinchuriki will be scouted by Itachi and Kisame and Suna's will be Sasori and Deidara."

The two teams nodded to the leader with a, "Yes Leader-sama." Smiling, Sir Carrot said, "We don't have to be so strict anymore, outside of mission business anyways. Enjoy the night, Kisame and Itachi you leave in three days. Sasori, I need to speak with you in my office."

Follow the walking vegetable into his office, Danna shut the door and sat in a chair in front of his big ass desk full of paperwork. "Well done on completing the mission, it went perfectly, and I must thank you." Examining his nails with a smirk the puppet simply uttered, "It was my pleasure."

Snickering, the pierced man gazed at the boy, "Now I have another job for you." This made the redhead pout slightly, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you find me useful."

Rolling his eyes, the leader gave him a playful glare, "You wound me, of course, I do. You're one of my most valuable members with your sharp comebacks, diverse skills, ability to calm Deidara down (what a blessing), do nails and hair, and play doctor (minds out the gutter), oh and play games against."

Now the same color of his hair, Danna looked away, "Thanks."

Pein grinned, "As for this mission, I need your medical skills, let's start with Itachi's blind ass, shall we?"

And there is chapter one! I've always loved the Akatsuki since I was little, so this means a lot to me. Also, yes I know some stuff in my book can't actually happen, but I don't care it is my book and you know where the exit is. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Toddles~