The Key To A New World

Chapter 1

I remember when I watched my world flash before my eyes; it was like watching the big bang explosion firsthand. What I remember specifically is laying in the fetal position on the edge of my bed, clutching my blanket in both hands, hanging on for dear life.

My vision began to blur, I rubbed them vigorously but it didnt seem to help; my heart began to race like I was having a heart attack or a severe anxiety attack, after all they feel almost the same. I remember feeling lightheaded and a little queasy. I was staring at my bedroom door with a lump in my throat that was keeping me from breathing properly. I could feel the color drain from my skin as I grew weak from suffocation.

I closed my eyes for brief a moment, when I opened them, I could see a large dark ball-like object trying to force its way through the door, the frame bent with the ball refusing to let it through. My eyes switched to tunnel vision, a bright white light flashed in front of me, and I could hear a loud high-pitched ring in my ears, I blacked out.

It was the scariest part of my childhood (it followed a traumatic experience that still haunts me everyday) that I can still recall in full detail to this day although, I am unsure of how old I was, maybe eight? After that I never felt safe again, that is what started my obsession with throw pillows. I would collect them and create a fort on my bed to hide in while I slept. With my pillows surrounding me I felt like nothing could get to me; they also helped fill the spaces in my bed that I couldn't fill myself. I know they could simply be knocked out of the way, but I still feel as safe with them now as I did then.

20 Years later:

I was laying straight and stiff on my bed. My depression set in and I buried myself into the mountain of pillows hoping to suffocate, but I came up for a fresh breath of air at the last second. My alarm rang out killing the silence in the room, I stayed up all night, again. I had to force myself to get up because I had a schedule to keep with Dr. Baker.

Dr. Baker has been my psychiatrist since I was ten, he wasn't always in the business of being a psychiatrist though, he was a doctor working in the best hospital in the area, Lodge's Hospital. What pushed him into this business was his daughter, she was sixteen, always smiling, always happy, no one knew she was in pain.

She hid her feelings, suppressed her thoughts, she kept her mind busy with cheerleading and volleyball. One fatal night she was rocking back and forth on the cold ceramic tile floor of her bathroom with tears streaming down her pink tinted cheeks. Her beautiful emerald green eyes drowning in a lake of tears. She was fighting her mental demons again, they tormented her and dragged her thoughts to the deepest, darkest pit of uncertainty and despair.

She finally became unable to bare the pain she kept hidden inside for so long. She met her fate with the help of a cold steel blade on the edge of her wrist. Dr. Baker found her the next morning when he went to wake her for school as he did every morning. It was the realization of her hidden depression signed off in her last note that made him want to be a psychiatrist.

I sat on the cold shower floor with my knees pressed against my chest, my head leaning back against the wall with my eyes closed. I was trying to let my depressed thoughts slip down the drain as my tears camouflaged themselves in the water that splashed against my face as they made their way down my cheeks. I heard a voice call out, "Get the razor, no body wants you!" in a faint whisper. I didn't bother opening my eyes, I already knew who was talking.

I was eight years old when I began hearing these voices (2 days after my black out incident, I think that is what caused it, I'm not sure but I never heard them before that), my mother took notice when I began talking to people that weren't there, I could see them, and I could hear them but nobody else could.