No one talks about the PTSD that comes with leaving an abusive relationship. Or how the dreams literally cripple you in your sleep and you would look so restless for the months ahead of recovery, physically and mentally.
I have this reoccurring dream, of one of the worse nights I endured. He had gotten home from running around, he was angry that his active status on Facebook kept turning on.
Of course that meant I did it, even though he wasn't home most of the day and I didn't know his phone password. I made dinner and put my girls to bed after a nice bath, dreading what I had to look forward to when I headed to bed myself.
I payed in bed beside him, "So your not gonna even admit it? Your just gonna fuck with me like this" before the last sentence left his mouth he had smacked me. It looked like almost a reflex to hurt me. He didn't flinch or hesitate it was a quick swift movement like second nature which was so fucking sick.
I held my face and cried, he started yelling. Threatening to wake up the kids and make us leave. I begged him, told him do whatever he wanted to me just don't wake up the kids. He started yelling louder and I took my clothes off.
Over the months I learned if I was completely naked he wouldn't hit me as much. But sometimes he enjoyed hitting me more so it was a hit or miss.
Tonight, he didn't care.
He choked me against the bed, I went out like a light. I was sleep deprived, and very depressed. I wasn't eating or drinking much, and my iron was super low.
When I woke up from him throwing water on me he sat beside me showing me random things he somehow construed to connect to his crazy theory of me being a master hacker.
Couples fight, they argue and get upset. It happens, but you don't beat yourself significant other and either the arguments are petty or small, or about something logical or feasible, REAL.
I got beat for the most outrageous things... putting him in a simulator, putting a chi in his head, having a tracker on him and being a master hacker as a VERY FEW vague examples.
It's sad each and every thing never mattered or it wasn't real. The beatings didn't have a purpose and that slowly made me feel insane.
When I refused AGAIN to admit that I was a hacker he got mad and pushed my small body into the closet for an hour all while questioning and interrogating me.
When he let me out he made me lay with him and go to bed as if nothing ever happened, sweetly asking me to hold him to bed which I did happily... because if he was happy I was safe. So it was my personal mission for him to be happy as he fueled my own happiness.
So that's the dream, instead in my dream we didn't go to bed. The abuse continued and eventually he ended up intricately killing me, my last sight before waking up was my daughters standing in their jammies in my doorway screaming my name as he slit my throat and I woke up sweaty, crying and in complete pain.
This dream cripples me, it makes me sick to the point that my anxiety takes over for that entire day and I'm exhausted and drained and in a daze as if still asleep.
I thought if I got away, I could heal.
Instead I relive my worst memories on repeat continued in horrific ways.
I'm alive today, for that I'm greatful.
