The Day It Happened

Entry Two

It was noon, I was in the car driving with my mom. My eyes were all read from crying. While at the meeting somebody asked me how Jake was doing and I just broke and I started sobbing. My mom came by and explained what happned to the lady and said it wasn't her fault. We had about a two hour car ride and we've been in the car for twenty minutes and I haven't said a word. "Hayden, you can't wear that necklace and the ring forever. As much as it sucks you two aren't ever getting married." My mom said. Normally she had been extremely comforting but that was just bitchy. " What did you say! You think I don't know we aren't getting married!? I wear the necklace and the ring because I promised I would love him forever! And I will. " I said. By then I was crying and didn't even realize. My mom rubbed my shoulder. "I'm sorry baby, I was really insensitive and didn't realize what I had said." She said completely simpathetic. I was still crying and I didn't want to talk. I sat there quietly crying for the next thirty minutes. I took my phone out and texted Jake. Part of me was hoping that up in heaven he was reading all the things I had said in the messages. I felt so bad. I had seen it as my fault for him crashing. I shouldn't of texted him back when he said he was driving I should've called him or just waited for him to stop driving. 

To: Jakey-Boo❤

Hey babe, I hope your doing good up in heaven. I miss you so so much. I promise you I won't stop wearing the necklace or the ring. Ever! Babe, I love you. I love you sweetie. And I miss you like crazy. I wish you were here with me. Or I was there with you. Well, bye for now Jakey-Boo. 

" I got a gift for you" My mom said. "Oh yeah?" I said as I looked at her. "Yeah, I got you a journal. It might help if you right on it. How you feel, your thoughts. You can draw in it. It's yours do what ever you want with it. All up to you. " She said handing me a plain white journal. I took out a black sharpie from my purse and I wrote Jakey❤ then I drew hearts and flowers all over it. I wrote "I love you" at the bottom of it. My mom looked over at it and smiled. "You two really loved each other didn't you?" She said looking at me with kind eyes. "Yeah we did." I said tearing up a bit. "You know he's in a better place sweetheart." She said. "I know mom. Everytime someone mentions it a little peice of me breaks off and hits the ground. Mom it hurts. So bad. This isn't just heart break. Its losing the one person who meant the world to you" I said, by now I was full on crying. No one spoke the rest of the way home. I got home and I went straight into my room. And I put on Jake's sweater. And I hugged the picture of the both of us. I started crying and It was kind of impossible to stop. I had to find away to stop the pain. I got up and quickly went into my bathroom. I pulled my shirt up quickly and I took a razor and I cut. I had felt better for a little bit. I cleaned it up and I went and layed back down. I was so tired but couldn't find the strength to sleep. Claire had came into my bedroom. "Hayde, were going out to dinner. Come on dude. It'll be good for you." She said coming over to me and pulling me off my bed. " I don't want to. I wanna stay in here and die. " I said. I was still crying, my mascara was running and all my make up was ruined. "Come here" She said opening her arms for a hug. So I went and hugged her. She hurt my cuts. "Ow!" I said. "What, did I hurt your stomach?" She said looking at me. "No i'm fine." I said as I pulled away and looked down. She came over to me and pulled up my shirt quickly showing the cuts. "Hayden! Why?" She said looking at me kindly. "It helped me feel better. I know you understand. Don't tell mom. " I said pulling my shirt back down. "I won't tell. I'll fix your make up and we'll go out for dinner. " She said as she pulled me over to my vanity and sat me down on it and fixed my make up. She finished and I got up and hugged her. We walked out of my room together. I still had my phone. I always had it. Hoping this was just some cruel joke and Jake would text me telling me everything was alright. We walked outside and got into my parents car. My parents got in shortly after and we drove off. I basically blacked out the whole ride, I don't have any memory of the ride there. And i'm glad. I feel that Jake was brought up in the coversation a lot. I took my phone out and texted Jake. 

To: Jakey-Boo❤

Hey babe, I cut. I cut my stomach. I'm sorry I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry. It's so hard without you being here. I love you. I'm going out to dinner now. Claire and my parents think it'll be good for me and it'll make me feel better. The only thing that could make me feel better is having you right beside me. I'll text you later.  

I put my phone back into my pocket and a few minutes I got a text from someone. It  was jake. I didn't open it. I forgot about it and went and got dinner. I figured I'd read it when I get home.