Crossroads to Life

The Beginning

I was flawed. There was no other way to put it. I woke up one morning and it hit me that I was flawed.  Things that normal children didn't have to worry about I did. I looked at the long ponytails styled around my head, and then my eyes focused on the areas around my edges that were nearly bald. Yeah you heard me correctly, bald. I later learned it was a hereditary condition.  Still, for a kid like me, it was a vulnerability.  Whenever someone looked at me, I immediately thought they saw my one imperfection.  It was always the one thing they pointed out about me whenever they wanted to crack jokes. My hair was in the center of my back, yet they would call me bald-headed.

I remember thinking if I can just be perfect in every other area in my life, I can do this. It was a flawed way of thinking, I know, but no one said "you're beautiful despite this". No one said "I love you the way you are". I was told it wasn't that bad. Or not to worry about what people thought. Truth is, I did worry what people thought.  When I saw other girls, I envied what they had. They didn't have to wear their hair down to avoid being teased.

So back to my flawed way of thinking; if I could just be perfect in every other area in my life, I can do this. So from kindergarten through grade school, I excelled. I wanted to make up for my flaws. I had to be smart, I had to be talented.  If I had to be the girl with no edges, I was going to be the smart, super intelligent,  edgeless girl. I know it was crazy to think of myself in such a manner but I didn't have that reassurance,  so this is how I reassured myself.

So I started getting attention from a cute boy. I remember thinking, I have to be perfect. I need to be this dream girl for him. We're in grade school for crying out loud, why did it matter? Trust me you'll soon see why. I çan remember people asking him why he wanted to be with the girl with no edges. Kids can be so shallow.  I know I'm pretty. I had received more than my fair share of stares. From boys and perverted old men. But in my eyes, all the beauty in the world didn't make up for what I was lacking on eithed side of my head.  You can say I was obscessing because I was.  I realize now that it was that way of thinking in my younger years,  that secured my future way of thinking. 

So I was an honor roll, principal list student.  I received the art, music, and library award each year from kindergarten to fourth grade. I played the clarinet in band and the recorders for a special group of a select group of students. I sung in the choir. Singing was another of my gifts. I sung well. My dad's mom had a church and whenever we went, she would ask me to sing and would raise me an offering.  Despite all of the things going right in my life, I still felt incomplete.  For everything that I had overcompensated for,  there was an equal void deep down.