COFFEE

CHAPTER 21

2003

"Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone."

These days, I am dwelling in the same situation. I want to meet Mumma when get scared of being alone but 'living alone' is too deep seated to get rid of, as though an integral part of my life; a part that I can neither accept nor leave..........

I get inside and glance at the wall clock, it's 21.30 hrs. my doll is still sleeping. She has accepted, like her mother, this life; this family, a family of two! She doesn't miss her father because she was too young to remember him (fortunately). But at her grandmother's home, when she sees her cousins with their father, she looks at me as though wants to know if every child is blessed with a father! "Where is my father," she must have asked herself. I try to play both the roles but get failed sometimes.

'Sarima, my baby! Get up my angel. Mamma has cooked vegetable soup and porridge for you,' I caress her cheeks. She opens her eyes at once, porridge is her favorite. She sits in my lap and starts looking outside to the opposite building from the window pane. All the houses with lights on seem as lights have driven out all the darkness from these houses. Don't know what Sarima is thinking! My heart sinks, I carry her and put on the kitchen light. 'My bebu will sit here and mamma gets the food ready', to divert her thoughts, I give her kitchen set which her masi (my sister) has given. She starts playing with it on the kitchen slab. After dinner, we watch her favorite cartoon 'Noddy'. Her mood has changed so I get busy in preparing notes for my IELTS students.

I had to leave the editor job after three months of joining. My boss wanted me to give him something 'extra'. Being a divorcee, I should have known that I am 'easily available' (as my boss said) for everyone. "Why are you ruining your life, enjoy it to the fullest," he says usually. In the beginning, I thought he's inspiring me to live my life independently. I couldn't understand 'enjoy'.

 After leaving the job, I applied for English teacher in various schools but unfortunately, I couldn't get job as I didn't have B.Ed. degree. So, I enrolled in a correspondence B.Ed from Delhi Correspondence University. Meanwhile, I tried my luck as an IELTS instructor, fortunately, I am earning enough to afford basic lifestyle amenities along with funding long term needs. But I know I have to work hard to give my daughter a secured and successful life. I have saved Sartaj's 'compensation' into fixed deposit for Sarima's future, in case, if I die without saving enough for her; she would not have to get worried for anything. I don't want my daughter to get deprived of anything.I try to fulfill her every wish. I have decorated her room like a doll house; of lavender color as she wanted her room to be looked like her doll's house. But I never pamper her for unreasonable demands. 

I don't realize when my princess has slept. I tuck her in, kiss her and put off the lights. I read her a story but today she's slept without listening her bedtime story. I too want to sleep like her but sleep, like always, evades me.

"Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart." I am missing Sartaj tonight, and I have been ignoring this feeling. The more I think about him, the more I picture Sartaj and his girlfriend, or might be a wife now, together. A feeling of jealous and resentment makes me blind with hatred. I picture them in bed, having coffee together. Would he make coffee for her also? I have buried the past, but why digging out the memories?