COFFEE

CHAPTER 22

"Let go.......

How would your life be different if you learned to let go of things that have already let go of you?

I realize that each day and week is moving faster than the previous one. I can't believe I have traveled so far! The experience of my life has taught me that it is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads you walk on, we must walk the path. I have been working in the school for two years as a senior English teacher. My profession is really an honorable one. My students love me and respect me. The Principal of the school compliments that I've earned this respect. She is very supportive too. The bond with my colleagues has strengthened with time. Sarima is studying in my school, so it's really convenient for me to maintain a  balance between home and work. Sarima is studying in grade I and seems to be enjoying her life with new friends, new school and 'new Mamma'. Yes, new Mamma! I have changed; I am not the weak Samaira, who used to cry only, who was scared of men. Some painful experiences have taught me that I didn't think I needed to know. Thanks to all the wrong people who taught me the lesson of life. 'Thanks to my struggle, without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength'.

I could never trust any except my family: my brothers and sisters and my Mumma. If they had not been with me, I wouldn't have learned to keep going even in bad times.

 I go for shopping, watch movies with Sarima and my friends. My family never forgets me to invite on social gatherings. I spend weekends at Mumma's house or with Sania. Sometimes my nieces and nephew come to stay with us.

To everyone, I am happy; I am changed. Yes, but the wounds given by my love, given by the society; could never be healed. 'Time heals all wounds', I disagree. I try my best to forget the past, to forgive Sartaj but alas- all my efforts are in vain. Wounds leave scars and scars don't heal...never....

I too deserve to be happy, to be loved but a part of my heart is still connected to Sartaj. Why? I want to move on. My sister and brother have brought few marriage proposals but I refused as I want to be emotionally and spiritually prepared to accept someone 'again'. How could I commit until I resolve my emotional wounds; until let go of the past. Would I ever be? Moreover, how could I forget Sarima! Would the man I get married, accept my daughter? If I would be betrayed again? Could I love anyone as much as I loved Sartaj?

I used to commute to school by my car but  metro seems more convenient so, we go by metro now. It saves time and economical too. The metro station is just ten minutes away from my apartment. So, I and Sarima take rickshaw to reach metro station. But I feel sorry for my darling. She has to get up early to go with me though her primary school begins at 9. She sits in my staff room till her assembly begins. But we are enjoying our life though superficially. Today, the metro is full even though it is not the peak hour, we haven't got any seat. Somehow, I manage to get a seat for Sarima. I always prefer travelling in women compartment but I have to run towards general compartment as it was about to leave when I reached the platform. While standing I see a familiar face. He comes near me while I am trying to recognize the face. "Hi!" he greets. "Excuse me, Madam! Are you Miss Samaira?" he smiles, the recognizable smile. 'Hello! Yes, I am. Sorry, have we met before?' I ask nervously as I feel he might be a relative of Sartaj. "Did you graduate from Delhi university, English (Hons.) batch?" he asks. 'Yesss.... But you?' I think I know him but the tough journey has made me forget everything about my happier days.

"I am Sudhanshu, your classmate," he smiles through his green eyes. 'OMG! Sudhi, after a long time, almost a decade I think,' I say. Sarima holds my hand as though want me to introduce her to Sudhi. 'Meet my daughter Sarima,' I point to my angel. "Wow! She's really a doll," he shakes hand with Sarima. We exchange our contact numbers and say goodbye. 'Thank God! He didn't ask anything about my husband,' I heave a sigh of relief.

Sarima sleeps after having dinner but me, 'sleep is a luxury, I can't afford'. But the reason is different today, it's not about my broken heart. I have been thinking about Sudhi since I met him in the metro today. He was one of my best friends. I still remember how did he help me in preparing notes when I laid down with fever. We used to catch the same bus. He visited my house several times with other classmates. I am really happy to see him today. But what if he asks about my married life? Forget it, let's sleep Samaira, you've to wake up early. I hug my baby and close my eyes.

Next day has passed as usual. While travelling in metro, my eyes are searching for Sudhi. I am so silly! I met him by coincidence yesterday.In the evening, when I am busy in teaching Sarima, my cell phone rings . His name flashing on the screen makes me really happy. 'Hi Sudhanshu!' I speak slowly. "Hello! I am on the way to home. So, I thought to call you," he seems delighted. We talk about everything; our life, our profession etc. He is happily married with one daughter. I am happy that I have got a friend. And happier to think that he'll remain a friend only. Great!

He gets shocked to hear about my divorce. I am used to see shocked faces or to hear sorry for my divorce. But I am confused why did his voice got wobbled when he told about his marriage!

Days passed, weeks passed, I get busy in my life but the phone call of Sudhi changes my monotonous life into interesting one. Although he calls once a week, we talk for hours about our college days. But what bothers me that whenever I ask about his wife, he gets silent for a few minutes as he thinks how to answer me.