excerpts of my feelings.

i think of you.

when people ask,

i tell them i don't think of you anymore.

but i do.

i think of you a lot.

even after all this time.

i think of how you'd laugh 

when someone else embarrasses me.

i think of how you'd keep me in the dark

and never let me breathe on my own.

i think of the way your hands felt

when they would grab onto my wrist tightly.

i think of how your face looked

when you didn't care what i had to say.

but most of all

i think of the way it felt

to struggle under your weight.

i think of the way it felt

to push you away but have you push me back.

i think of the way it felt

when saying "no" never made you stop.

i think of the shame

i've felt for way too long now.

i think of the worthlessness

you so easily taught me to feel.

i think of the guilt

that you knew you instilled within me.

i think of the label

"sexual assault"

that is forever written on a chapter of my life.

i think of the way you smiled at me

right after you shattered all i knew

and left me to learn how to put the pieces together again on my own.

but it's a lot easier

to say i don't think of you anymore.