Dysthymia

People

Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright.

I'm driving down the road with my music on shuffle, and when my playlist decided to go from The Police to Beyoncé, it actually made me laugh a little.
I shocked myself. When was the last time I laughed?
My music library was something to behold, over 2,000 random ass songs that had more meaning to me than anyone could ever know.
I listened to everything. Everything from Johnny Cash to AC/DC to N.W.A. to The Beatles to Public Enemy to The Cars to One Direction. I'm not even sure.
I have many sides to me, I'm like one of those useless shapes from geometry class that have like 20-some sides.
I have my dark, depressing side, the one that everyone sees. The side that listens to that whiney music about how life and people suck.
Then there's my gangster rap side that rolls around my neighborhood with one hand slung over the wheel and my hood up, nodding and mouthing the words to a Slick Rick rap.
And there's bubblegum pop me, the one that drives down the highway with the windows down screaming the words to some Ariana Grande song.
I tend to think of myself as a painfully dull and boring person, but then again sometimes I think I'm so complex that it would take a genius to riddle me out.
Oh well, no one gives two shits if I'm hard to figure out or not, because no one's ever bothered.
Sigh, I think these things and that's what ruins my day.
Since fall is starting and it's getting chilly, I wore a soft, oversized white sweater with patterned black tights and toms. Simple and boring, like everything else in my wardrobe. I wanted desperately to have an awesome and memorable wardrobe, but I didn't have the money or the drive for it. Then again I don't really have the drive for anything.
It's kind of like last year when my mom decided that it would be best for me if I joined a sport. I didn't have the energy to put up a fight, so I reluctantly agreed to avoid conflict.
Out of all the choices that my school offers, tennis seemed the most doable. I played tennis at the recreation park that's a few minutes from my house as a child, so I figured that'd be the best choice because I had at least a little knowledge on the sport.
Joining the team was an awful idea all around though. First off, they made you wear these super short, tight tennis dress uniform things that I despised. Second, I played doubles so it required me to practice and communicate with another human being, which I'm not very good at. Third, I used to play tennis with Mark, so naturally it made memories that I'd rather keep suppressed to resurface. It sucked all around.
Plus the team all knew each other and were friends and then I, the local weirdo depression girl came into the scene and did nothing but stand in the background and make things awkward because I can never look people in the eyes. Every time I make eye contact with someone else besides my parents I get the overwhelming urge to look away immediately and end up giving in every time.
I pulled into the parking lot of the dreaded building and found a spot. I grabbed my book bag from the backseat and slung it over my shoulder. I pressed the button on the remote to lock it which made the car beep twice, causing 7 or so passerby's to look over at me. This naturally made me extremely self conscious so I walked as fast as I could though the parking lot, along the longest sidewalk in history and into the front doors of the school.
I avoided eye contact with everyone possible, as usual, and made my way up to the third floor, where senior lockers are.
After getting my shit from my locker, I sat on the bench outside the girls bathroom and plugged my headphones in, surprise surprise.
Homeroom didn't start for another 10 minutes so I just awkwardly sat there as more and more people packed into the large hallway.
I watched as a group of boys whistled as a familiar blonde girl walked past and was secretly jealous. Most girls find cat calling annoying, but is it weird that I kind of want someone to do it to me? Or maybe not, I don't know how I would handle all that attention.
I stood up and made my way to homeroom where I sat in my usual seat in the back corner.
Announcements were made, the Pledge of Allegiance was recited, the weather forecast was said, the same routine.
Every day, the same routine.
The first 5 classes came and went like every other day, lunch came and past, then 7th period was the only class I gave a damn about. Classic Literature. This month we were reading Romeo and Juliet, and I actually enjoyed it. Way better than last month's The Iliad. Ugh.
"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." my teacher said. "Now class, it is important to remember that in this particular and quite famous scene, Romeo is observing Juliet through her open window. He is essentially hiding in her backyard stalking her. He is also..."
I lost interest after that, I understood what these lines meant. You'd be a fool if you didn't. Romeo is infatuated with Juliet, she is the most beautiful and magnificent thing he has ever seen.
I absentmindedly gazed over everyone in the room from my seat in the back corner, where I sit most of the time.
My gaze stopped on someone I didn't recognize. I'm pretty good with telling who someone is by the back of their head, considering that's all I see from all the way back here.
I didn't recognize the blonde hair and broad shoulders. Or how he towered over everyone else who sat behind him.
I admit that I stared at him for the remainder of the class. Who is this guy? Why haven't I seen him before? Hm. Must be some new student.
When the bell rang, I scurried to get my things and beelined to the front of the room where I hoped to get a good look at him. I caught a glimpse as he walked out the door. Blue eyes, cute nose. That's all I got out of the two seconds I saw 3/4 of his face.
I made my way to U.S. History, my next class, only to realize that he was in this one too. This time I got a decent look at him as I walked in and sat down and all I can think of is wow.
Wow. I've seen nice looking guys before, but none have ever made me hold my breath and think holy shit before.
He's definitely new. I would've noticed him before.
"Ok class settle down, settle down. Now, we have a new student with us, his name is Luke, so Luke why don't you introduce yourself to the class?" Mr. Smith said.
Luke, apparently his name was, turned around in his seat to face the class.
"Hi, I'm Luke Hemmings, I'm a transfer from Westhill, about 20 minutes from here."
Several shouts sounded from other guys in the room, I could make out "yeah Hemmings" and "it's ya boy Luke" and other dumb guy shit.
I rolled my eyes as the professor said something or other about starting a new unit on the civil war, but all I could think about was him, and I wasn't sure why.
Maybe it's the fact that he was new and hasn't given me a reason to hate him yet? Or his hair? Damn, his hair.
I continued the rest of the day, finding out that I sadly only have two classes with him.

...

As I walked in the door, I didn't realize that I had a little spring in my step. My mom, who noticed everything, obviously jumped right on it.
"Wow, you look happy today, Lauren! Did you make friends? Get a good grade?"
She was always overenthusiastic.
"No, mom."
Her face fell. Damn, I guess I could've said that a little less harsh, but that's just how I am. Man, I wish I could lighten up. How I wish.
"Oh, well I'm happy that you're in a seemingly ok mood. Your father will be back from work in an hour or so. How was school?"
And I answered the same way I do every day, and when dad got home he asked the same thing and I had the same response for him too.
Then I did my homework, watched some TV, got a shower and went to bed.
Same routine every day.
Only today was different.
At the time, I didn't fully understand how different it was.

...

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