Dysthymia

Project

I know the way she feels, and all of the hearts that she steals...

The next several days came and went with no further interaction with Luke.
So does that mean that's it?
He's done with me already?
I know it's pathetic to sit here and wait for him to come around, when I am perfectly capable of making the first move.
I read somewhere that guys like it when you make the first move.
But there's no way in hell that'd ever happen. Not with my good friend shyness who would never allow me to make such a daring move without the fear of being looked at.
I really hate myself sometimes.
I walked into Literature, same as always, and grabbed my usual seat.
I watched as he shuffled in and took a seat closer to the back than usual.
I guess he was making friends and didn't need to sit isolated anymore.
Making friends. For the vast majority, an easy task that feels like second nature. For others, not so much.
I watched with extreme jealousy as he turned around and talked with the pretty brunette girl that sat behind him.
Class started.
"Ok class, something new is happening today. You and a partner will be given a scene in Romeo and Juliet to analyze and act out."
The rest of the class sighed and shouted complaints while my stomach burned.
Act out? With a partner? In front of the entire class?
I never cry. Never. I don't think I've cried since 5 years ago, when.....never mind. But by hearing this, nervous and terrified tears stung my eyes, threatening to spill over at any second.
"I will be choosing your partners for you, to insure that everyone will be working to their full potential." the teacher said, earning more groans from the class.
"Courtney and Eric will be paired, Sierra and Emily will be paired..."
He continued the list and I my hearing slid out of focus until I heard my name.
"Lauren and uhhhh.....why don't you pair with Luke? According to your last quiz grade, you have the most knowledge with Romeo and Juliet, so why don't you help out our new student?"
Everyone, and I mean everyone turned around to look at me.
Even him.
He looked back and smiled slightly.
Ketchup girl I watched him mouth, then he turned back around to face the front.
What's that supposed to mean? Does he hate me like everyone else?
Probably.
"The assignment is due in two weeks. Now, open up your books to page..."
This is insane, I thought. Why would the teacher pair the quietest, shyest girl in the class with the new student?
My heart also fluttered when I figured out that doing this assignment would require us to meet together and discuss it. In person. And maybe over the phone or through text messages.
Class ended before I knew it, and as I was standing up to get my things together when he walked over to me.
"Hey ketchup girl, looks like we'll be working together." he said with a small grin.
"Yeah, it appears that way." I said with a small laugh that I hoped was believable.
"Well, hey, why don't you write down my phone number so we can start to discuss how we're gonna do this."
"Uh, yeah ok." I said, then pulled out a piece of paper from my notebook.
As I wrote down his number and he wrote mine I couldn't believe what was happening. A boy was getting my phone number. I know it's only for a project and we're basically forced to interact with each other but still.
He has my phone number I thought over and over again for the remaining part of the day and while driving home I blasted the happiest music I owned. What I do is I make playlists for each emotion. So I have a playlist titled Happy, one called Sad, one called Angry, one called Excited, and so on.
I even have one titled Love, and it's filled with sappy love songs or just beautiful songs in general. I also avoid listening to it if I can help it, and to be honest I don't even know why I have those songs. I've never been in love, so listening to these songs just makes me sad or jealous of other people that did have love.
As I walked in the door, my mom was quick to bombard me with questions, as usual, and after politely answering them I told her I wanted to go to the gym today for a bit.
I haven't been to the gym in a good while, and it's out of sheer laziness. I used to be a workout fanatic, but I've been getting lazier and more tired as the days go on.
Of course, my mom told me I didn't need to go to the gym, I was at a healthy weight already.
So I explained to her that I wasn't going to the gym to loose weight. I was going to stay fit.
My entire family is twigs. All of us, dad and moms side, are all skinny by genes. My grandmother on my fathers side is in her 70's and she says she's been thin her whole life.
I used to get picked on in middle school because of my weight. My 'friends' would tell me to go eat a hamburger or that I should gain weight. And I tried explaining to them, hey, I kind of can't help that? I can down an entire medium pizza and a large coke and still look like I haven't eaten in weeks.
My mom told me not to complain about my 'problem' because there are tons of women out there who wish they had what I had.
But to be honest, I don't know what I have.
I never understood the weight obsession. Magazines and runway models tell you that skinny is best but then you hear the Today's Hits radio station telling you bigger is better.
Honestly, as long as you're healthy, I don't give two shits about what you weigh.
It consumes peoples lives and I've never understood why. Why?
...
When I returned home from my workout my mother had dinner made and I ate contently. Afterwards I went up to my room to find that my family's cat, which I'd named Bryan when I was 11. A cat named Bryan. A girl cat, too.
I picked her up in my arms and held her like a baby, something I've done ever since she was a kitten.
Apparently, she wasn't having it today because she stuck out her claws and scratched me from mid arm all the way up to my wrist.
"Dammit, cat!" I yelled as she jumped from my arms. "What the hell?"
Great. Now I have this huge cut running almost the entire length of my arm.
It stung. As I sat down to examine how deep it was, my phone vibrated.
Woah, I thought, my phone vibrated.
I went over to see what it was and realized he had texted me.
The message read "Hey Lauren, it's Luke. We need to discuss when were going to put this together."
My fingers twitched when I went to respond. What do I say?
I decided to go with "Ok, where and when were you thinking?"
"Maybe we can go to a Starbucks tomorrow and read through the part we have to do?"
"Sounds good."
I never actually read the part we were assigned, the teacher have us handouts of the specific parts we were supposed to do, but I never read ours.
I got out my handout and the copy of the play we received from the teacher. It was re-written in modern English for easier understanding, but I've read the original version as well. I'm happy we're doing the modern one though, it is an easier read.
Act 1 Scene 5, starting at the line where Romeo says his first words to Juliet.
This part isn't that long, only like 15 lines or so. But, they also kiss in this scene.
Surely we won't be expected to kiss, I thought. I hoped.
Although the thought of kissing him didn't seem so bad, it was not going to happen in front of the whole class like this.
No. It can't. I've never kissed anyone before. It sure as hell won't happen in front of my judgmental class, either.
I tossed the packet on the floor and flopped on to the bed exhaustedly.
Today has been to much.
I wish that I could just be normal. I want to wake up happy and go to school and have friends and text people and hang out.
But that's not the case. And I'm the only one to blame for that.