Lay Her Down To Rest

Chapter 10

{At dawn, death came to her as a beacon of hope}

"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

-J.K. Rowling

༻❁༺

Night fell and still, no sign of Johnathan. She waited, worried sick. She needed to say goodbye, she feared she will have no time to do so. She prayed that their last meeting will not end with a fight. She gazed at the clock as tears ran down her face. She opened the liquor cabinet and poured herself a cold glass of amber poison. It slid down her throat with easy, she found herself releasing in its burning spike.

But at the break of dawn, she knew that the sand in her hourglass of life will reach its last grain. They were like children, naive to the darkness that lurked within them. The despair and suffering of the world, it took everyone she loved away from her. Robbed her of her happiness.

She called him many times and with each ring, she waited in vain for his voice to sound through the speakers of the phone. When all hope was lost, she wrote him a parting letter.

Dearest Johnathan,

I can be impetuous and apportion blame in the wrong places but I don't wish for that. I'm sorry. The guilt was an anchor around my neck, pulling me deep into the dark brine. I didn't know that claws were sunk into your neck, whispers of bad deeds left you vulnerable and in need of my protection. I was always there telling you I love you, yet in your mind, I almost never existed any longer,  you were blind, deaf to the healing words you craved. For the longest time, I wished you told me, told me where I lacked. Spoke to me. I was here. I never left. You were the one who drifted away on a winding river. I just want you to be happy Johnathan. Every day I was left wondering if you were truly happy with me. It just seemed that you were happier with her, so I didn't intervene. It only just killed me that knowing every second you were away, you were most likely becoming closer to her.

I don't know where to begin, Johnathan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you that I was sick. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me most. I knew I was never good enough. In this world where girls were vying for your attention, you chose me to love. Of all people. Every time I shut my eyes, the darkness swallowed me whole and you were never there to scare it off. Sometimes, all I saw beneath the dark shadow was the silhouette of a woman, the perfect woman, smooth with every touch. And there you were, caressing her.

The further away you drifted, the more my heart eroded. Nothing is worse than remembering happiness in times of sorrow, it eats away at a person. But, Johnathan I'm not blaming you for my sickness I only wish that you had the power to let me go and move on. I'm blaming you for not telling me, for betraying my trust in you. I suppose that's how life is for me, fate was never my friend. Nothing lasts in this world, so I've come to realize.

The pain I carry in me is inexplicable. Seeing you detach yourself from me hurts a lot. Even though I want to hold you and keep you by my side for a longer time, I'm afraid that I will never be able to do that anymore. I'll never forget the moments we laughed, cried, and goofed around. Even the bad moment will have a spot in my heart I don't regret any of those memories because they were spent by your side. Thank you for everything, I just need you to let your wealth be your wellness, Johnathan. let it be the soulful good vibes you feel from doing good for others and yourself. Don't let it change you, keep your playful heart because you have a heart, unlike the people you work among, I just need you to promise me to never be like them, you can become more than you ever dreamed humanity was capable of. Forget the cold coins and the notes of green, they are nothing. Your power to love and make your own world is everything.

Remember me Johnathan.

I love you,

Diana.

She wanted to continue writing, there was much to be said and she was glad she only had to write it down because she knew she would not have the confidence nor strength to tell him her feelings head-on. She placed the note on the kitchen counter, she had always hated goodbyes and avoided them like the plague, she hated the feeling of nostalgia and whatever came with it, but in a time like this she had no choice but let her parting word be known. She made her way outside, she wanted to walk to her favorite park. If she was going to die alone then she can at least do it in her favorite place.

The cold November wind nipped at her flesh, it numbed her nose and ears yet she paid it no mind as she went on. The brittle leaves were whisked away by her feet, the cold rays of the sun shyly peeked through dry clouds. The park was bairn at this time of dawn, the graveled path was straight ahead lined with deciduous trees, each one turning a brittle shade of brown. She took her usual seat by the lake, the ducks still mingled about getting ready to depart for the winter.

The leaves scudded over the hard frosted ground as some took flight into the air, guided by the morning wind. She slung her head back and raised her eyes up to the grey sky. She inhaled a trembling breath, sweat collecting on her skin like dew, she felt icy cold. Death wasn't as beautiful or peaceful as she had previously imagined, with her stomach turning in on itself and eating away at her insides, tearing away at the tissue, leaving her breathless she didn't know what to think, in truth she did not wish to think at all she only wanted to get it over with. She wanted to treat it like a normal bad day of hers.

A smile of toxic fortitude spread on her face. The branches of the brittle trees swayed rhythmically with the command of the wind, and it their chaotic dance they were enchanting.

The pain was merciless without escape. It was a constant reminder of her demise, increasing in tidal waves, small lulls giving false hope of an end. Each peak robbed away her ability to function. It was as though her blood had become diluted. It was awful how her body intended on destroying her from the inside out and all she could do is writhe in discomfort, a whimper escaping from her mouth. Death was nowhere near as merciful as she had thought it to be.

It was when the sun peaked from the horizon that the pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Black filled the edges of her vision and the only thing she could hear was the sound of her failing heartbeat and the splashing of water. Seconds passed as she lay there, her golden hair wrapped around her throat almost choking her. Her face was tainted with the drool and snot that had turned to liquid much like her mind. She wanted to be saved, she wants a rescuing hand to tow her back to life. But there was no saving hand, no mercy, and no salvation to come to her silent pleas. Soon she would be able to leave all the pain behind. She closed her eyes, the last she saw was the flock of ducks flying away from the freezing lake and off to a better abode.

Her fragile heart beat one last time as she was whisked away into the dark path of the unknown. Until the very end, she thought only of him.