I reached Arthur's door and wanted to knock, but I didn't need to do that, because it was just ajar.
I opened it a bit and looked into the apartment.
A strong smell of tobacco came to meet me.
"Arthur, is everything alright?"
No reaction.
So I entered the apartment completely.
I closed the door and thus the noise disappeared from the hallway.
Now I could hear running water and soft music.
He probably was fine and I had worried for nothing, but I wanted to convince myself.
I wanted to see him and talk to him, because admittedly he meant too much to make me to disappear.
I didn't know what to do and eventually sat down at a small table behind the couch.
I looked at the rest of the living room, but his mother was nowhere to be seen.
The table was overflowing with newspapers, packets of cigarettes, letters to and from his mother, and notebooks.
A brown lay open in front of me.
I didn't want to read in it, but one sentence stood out.
"I just hope my death makes more sense than my life." I read quietly.
I couldn't believe what I had read.
Did Arthur want to kill himself? Was he even there? Was he still alive?
I got up from my chair to run to the window.
All these questions brought tears to my eyes.
"Arthur..." I looked out the window, not knowing what to do.
Through the tears the vision blurred in front of my eyes more and more.
I decided to go to the bathroom and answer my questions.
I just reached the arch that led to the second corridor.
The door of the bathroom opened and Arthur came with wet hair and trudged out in pajamas.
He looked up from the floor, straight into my eyes. He didn't even seem to wonder why I was standing in his apartment, staring at him crying.
His steps led to me.
Suddenly I thought back to my dream, but I repressed it. Anyway, I tried as best I could.
As soon as he was only a few centimeters away from me, I fell into his arms.
I wanted to ask him so many questions, but I remained silent. At that moment, I couldn't speak.
He put his arms around me, too.
"Lila, why are you crying?" He finally asked, but without moving away from me.
I didn't answer. I didn't know how.
"Everything's fine." Arthur said, lightly stroking my back.
I closed my eyes and felt the warm tears running down my cheeks.
"Come, we sit down.", Arthur took his arms from my back and led me to the brown couch.
I wanted to wipe away my tears before he could look at me, but Arthur came before me.
He put both hands on my cheeks and wiped them away with his thumbs.
"Can you tell me now, why are you crying?" Arthur leaned against it.
My eyes flicked to the table with the book and back again.
"I found traces of blood leading to you and I wanted to see if everything was alright with you ... The door was open and I just walked in ... I didn't know where you are, so I was a little bit lost. I looked around and found a book, I didn't leaf through it, don't worry, I just read one sentence ... "
Arthur watched intently as I gestured in front of him to better illustrate my situation.
"Well, there was that you hope that your death ..."
"... makes more sense than my life, yes.", He finished the sentence.
I nodded.
"Arthur, please tell me what's wrong with you, I see you're not happy, I want to be there for you, but I don't know how, because I hardly know anything about you," I said quietly.
I was reasonably in control again.
Arthur shook his head. "I don't think you want to be there for me, if you know everything about me." he confessed as he lit a cigarette. "You'll treat me, like everyone else, like dirt."
Did he think so about me?
"Arthur."
I put my hand on his arm, hidden by his shirt.
"I can assure you that I would never do such a thing, otherwise I would've treat you like this. But by the very fact that you have told me that, and with every detail that you betray me, you give me one more reason to like you, to treat you as I treat every other person."
Arthur looked at me and smiled.
Maybe I finally broke the ice.
"I find it hard to open myself to other people, to trust other people..", he confessed and pulled on his cigarette.
I nodded. "That's okay, you can trust me."
"I have a disease, you've had to experience it once, down in the doorway, remember?"
I nodded. I knew every moment of our meetings.
"I don't know why I have this disease, but I have it and it occurs as soon as I'm nervous or exposing anything in my brain. That's why I'm with a social worker.. It doesn't help me, because this "Debora Kane" doesn't listen to me, but I do it for my environment... "
With each sentence of Arthur's throat left, makes me feel more and more sorry.
"Arthur?"
He looked at me.
"You don't wanna kill yourself, do you?" I asked, hoping he would say no.
He shrugged his shoulders.
"Your life makes sense, much more than death would, believe me. There's a reason why you're here."
Arthur looked away.
"I don't think so..."
"Arthur, I promise you that I'll never treat you bad, because I like you the way you are." I said, more unconsciously than wanted.
Arthur smiled first, but then got up from the couch to run around the room.
I think I knew why he did that.
He ran to the kitchen and back. Again and again he had to suppress a loud laugh.
Until he finally couldn't suppress it and laughed painfully loud. It was not painful because it was so loud, but because it hurt him. He sat down on the chair by the couch and leaned forward.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I could somehow calm him down.
Arthur put a hand to his throat. I was afraid he might choke.
So I got up from the couch and knelt down in front of him.
"Arthur, look at me." I put my hands on his knees.
He looked up.
"You have to calm down, everything's fine."
It didn't get better, which is why I took his hands.
He took his eyes away from me again. His laugh became stronger again.
"Arthur, you need to calm down, just think of something you like or love. Think of a person. Think of a particular song. Think of spring, or anything else that could make you happy in that moment."
I talked into rage and didn't notice how quiet it had become around me.
Arthur had stopped laughing.
He looked at me with glassy eyes.
"Thank you, Lila."
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I am dead. 😂 1140 words. Hallelujah 😂
