10/1/2019
Today, I feel numb. It's the first time in a while that the numbness feels as though it's taken over my body. I try to move; I cannot. The only movement that flows from my body is the tears that ever so often roll down my cheeks. My mind compresses it's thoughts all at once and a rush comes over me as thoughts of anger, rage, fear, and a not so foreign sadness compete for the winning title as my emotion for the day. Is it not acceptable to feel multiple conflicting emotions at once though? Must I only share one with the outside world if I am to appear sane? And if so... what will the outcome be if I am to appear frustrated and bubbling with rage instead of excited and overcome with joy?
The world works in many mysterious ways.
People say that they wish for others to expose their true nature, to show off who they really are... but can a person not be more than one thing if they are to fit into a society? Must we all be mind controlled by the authorities of government and social media? Each day that I go to work, I throw on a smile, and I fill myself with a giddiness that projects itself onto those surrounding me; it's not easy.
I love to make others smile and bring laughter to their voices, but what satisfaction does such an action bring to me most would wonder? Each day I ask dozens of people who walk through my line how they are doing that day, and each time when they ask me in return, all I have to answer is "pretty good." But as those words spill out of my mouth hundreds of times a week... I begin to question what would the outcome be if I were to tell someone what I was really feeling? If I were to explain these thoughts that I write down in order to make me feel less insane.... would they look at me as if I had lost what sanity I had left? Would they laugh at the never ending pain that seems to haunt me? Or would they agree and share their heartache and madness with me as well?
Everyone has their own issues that make it hard to breath sometimes and that make you feel as though you are only falling downwards in life and that there is no up; no heaven at the end of the line if you must.
That's part of what makes us Human.
An older lady walked through my line one day, and when I asked her those words that I repeat daily, she was silent. No comment. No words spoken. Simply silent. So I asked once more how she was that day; a day that to everyone else may have felt normal, and this time she replied with a simple "eh." Somehow we began to open up to one another; all this occurring at a grocery line, and this woman told me of the passing of her late husband who she loved dearly and had spent what I believe was 64 years together. She spoke of how she no longer knew what to do with her life because for the past 64 years, she had spent every weekend with the love of her life and now... she was alone in this world. I calmly responded and told her that all would be well one day, but for now make the most of what time she has left and to take this time to rediscover what interests she may have in life. She smiled as I passed her receipt into her cold hands, and she walked away never to be seen again through my eyes.
This small moment that we shared restored some of the little bits of faith in humanity that I had lost. Someone; a complete stranger, managed to open up to me and share what pain they were going through. She managed to take down her walls and pour out her emotions to a complete stranger reassuring my mind that all hope is not lost in this world.
I on the other hand am what most would call the matrix of emotions.
The walls, barriers, army's, and blockades that I have in order to conceal and protect what is within my minds borders are some of the strongest forces ever to have been assembled. Every now and then I feel myself begin to slip, as my defenses slowly fail and my minds eye begins to crash. And ONLY when I am truly at my furthest breaking point shall I ever relinquish my defense and give into defeat. I am more than aware that this is not a healthy lifestyle and that if I continue to live like this, sooner or later I will cave into the madness that is my minds thoughts and will be overpowered with a hurricane of frustration that will only lead to what will be my inevitable death.
