Shadowlights ; Minsung

sei

the smoke escaping my chapped lips was from a peculiar beauty, floating around my fingers and escaping into the oddly warm winter sky. this night, it had snowed. glittering white figurines falling down from the crying gray clouds above our heads, Seoul was slowly covered in a soft blanket of snowflakes. i knew it wouldn't stay like this for a long time, though; the city being too busy, the beautiful white soon turned into gray mud lingering on the sides of each path in this godforsaken city. i felt sorrow for this kind that's only achievement was to just turn these buzzing streets into for once quiet and calm concrete, but it seemed like nobody and nothing could put Seoul to sleep.

maybe i wasn't so different from the place i grew up in after all, i thought. because even tired eyelids couldn't shut my running mind up, rather creating an even bigger potpourri inside my head. so i ended up at my window, my gaze hovering over the skyline of Seoul in the night, though i doubted it was night at all, because scattered lights illuminated the people still hurrying from one point to the other deep in the night as if it was day.
my trembling fingers clasping a cigarette found their way to my mouth, taking a deep breath from it, my thoughts once again screamed at me just how much i hated this suffocating feeling, this burning sensation when my intake of breath was just too desperate, just too blue.
and when the smoke escaped my chapped lips again, floating around my fingers, rising to the night sky and disappearing somewhere on the way, my thoughts started to clear up till they just formed one single word, a word i was just so afraid of.

Minho.

my eyes hadn't met his soft brown ones for such a long time now. since the words dripping with venom escaped the lips of one of Minho's friends, my feet started going ways they wouldn't go before, my head rather hanging low, my twitching fingers hidden behind too long sleeves. i didn't know why i was even doing that, because my body was rather working on its own than taking the time to inform me its intentions, knowing i wouldn't understand it anyway. i just knew i dreaded this feeling bubbling in my chest, trying to tell me that something was missing.

*･☪︎·̩͙

trudging through the skeevy gray something covering the concrete, i struggled to maintain the red string that has formed over the lonely weekend, struggling to not let it escape and hurry through the busy people overflowing the pavement till i no longer could see it with my weary eyes. monday mornings were especially tiresome, because people seemed to be just that tad more on edge but still so, so exhausted. almost running businessmen and -women and hounded shop owners scurried by me as i made my way to my own shop with slow steps, something in me held me back on returning just too fast.

i used the weekend for thoughts i hadn't dared to think till now, on feelings i hadn't thought of embracing before. it may seem like nothing else than what i've done since after rugged lips met mine in such a mesmerising way, though i think i've never really considered the warm beating of my heart as something i should pay attention to. i was especially bad at letting go of my doubting mind since i was let down by nothing more than people i trusted with all of my heart. sometimes, it feels like i can't even form a single coherent thought without fearing that it may not seem what is truly inside me, trying to break free.
so clearing my mind till the point of only a red string remaining inside of which i'm completely and utterly sure of being all i want was especially hard, draining me from energy i didn't have.

slowly, my feet took up their pace, the moments between them hitting the freezing concrete got shorter each second passing, till the feeling of flying took over my body, my fingers twitching because of the impatience fogging my mind. it was so long ago.

*･☪︎·̩͙

i always believed Minho had this kind of hostility that made him avoid everyone he thought of being below him, made him wear this gaze every time his clenched fist met my skin in this exhilarating way. i never considered something more seething under his skin.