A Rose-Colored Dream; Soonhoon

03

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THE BLANK SILENCE interrupts him; laying in the dark, trying to sleep, Soonyoung's eyes fly open and his whole body turns to attention. He listens hard to the nothingness, the way the radiator at the back of the room has stopped buzzing, the way he can't hear the wind blowing outside his window anymore - he waits, waits for it, and then -

Good first day?

Soonyoung hesitates, the dumber part of his brain worried that there might be another random lady in his bedroom who can hear him talking to himself, but when he's sure that he's alone, he says, "What made you think I could do this?"

God, you're such a pessimistic pain in the ass. Can you stop underestimating yourself?

"Can you just leave me alone? Why are you here now? Where were you earlier, when I was actually trying to reach out to you?" He takes the pillow and holds it around his head, pressing it against his ears like it might block out Jeonghan's voice. Which is pointless, because Jeonghan's voice is inside his head.

I can't always be there to hold your hand, Soonyoung. I have my own responsibilities to take care of, and you've been through this process a hundred times before. You don't need my help.

But I do, Soonyoung wants to say, because he feels helpless, because he can never trust himself enough. It's such an exhausting way to feel.

There's a blank space of quiet, and Soonyoung starts to wonder if maybe Jeonghan's done talking for the night, but the world outside is still totally silent, so he waits. Eventually, he hears him.

Have you ever considered that maybe the reason you fail so many of your missions is that you let it happen? You have no faith in yourself, you're prepared to do bad. It's hard to succeed when you're constantly pushing that mentality against yourself.

"I'm not good at thinking any other way."

Just pretend. Act like you're in a movie, like this is a part of the lie, and do it well - if you treat confidence like it's a part of your character, you'll start to believe it.

" ... Yeah. I guess you're right." He pauses, and then, "Thanks, Jeonghan."

'Course. You're still my favorite Cupid, no matter what. I want you to do well.

Soonyoung can't help feeling a little undeserving. Jeonghan's right, he's done this enough times to be able to hold his own, but for some reason he just can't. His nerves always mess him up.

He remembers why he got placed as Cupid, though. He remembers having that passion for affection, for fondness; his heart would light up at the idea of soulmates, it would light up at the idea of two people finding themselves in each other and falling in love for life. He remembers wanting that happiness for everyone, and he still does. That's why he has this job. It wasn't skill, but it was passion. And he doesn't want to lose it.

"I'm gonna try," he whispers up to the ceiling. "I want this." Confidence is key, fake it 'till you make it. There, that's a motto.

Good. I believe in you.

He doesn't feel the need to say thank you again, and there's probably enough appreciation radiating from his core to reach the sky, anyway, so he lets himself fall quiet until the regular buzzing of the radiator starts up again. The rest of the night feels easy on his shoulders.

––

Soonyoung tries hard to settle in quickly, using Jeonghan's advice, remembering what he told himself just the other day. He shows up at the practice room and gives Minghao and Jun the brightest grin he has, and Chan tells him he has a nice smile, and he tells himself that this is his new life. Forget everything else.