A Bad Spy's Guide To Life

Rule Two: Why Eat Ice Cream When You Could Eat Jalapenos?

Rule Two: Why Eat Ice Cream When You Could Eat Jalapenos?

You guessed it, I have a slight hatred towards ice cream, the comfort food for many. If I’m going to be honest, ice cream is the devil incarnate to me. Okay okay, no need to be so rude. Ice cream? Pathetic type of comfort food. What if it’s winter? Or summer and the power is off, you have no transport and all the ice cream is melted? Is ice cream going to help you that much then?

Exactly. It will be no help, so leave it behind now! Get another comfort food, chocolate for example. Now chocolate is the food of the gods. Not ambrosia. I mean, seriously? What even is ambrosia?

Don’t answer that.

You can’t answer that, you’re in my brain.

Make me feel dumb, why don’t you.

Anyway, ice cream? No. Way too cold for me, I’ll take hot chocolate any day. Or something chocolatey. Obviously.

Thank you for Saturdays! No, not The Saturdays, Saturday as in the day. I don’t listen to The Saturdays, no offense to them or any of their fans. Please, please remove the pitchforks. Don’t injure me, I wanna live! Please?

Fine. Just make it quick. And, you know what? Can I just have a few last words? Such as… “Look over there! Did you see that sheep?” Oops, shouldn’t have said that out loud. And at school. Because you know when I said thank you for Saturdays? It was then I discovered it was in fact a Monday morning and not Saturday evening.

Maybe I really should run, give them something to stare at. The mute girl who suddenly spoke and then ran off yelling about the disgrace that is ice cream? Yep, that could be good. Hmmm…

No, do not blow your cover as the almost mute girl that people now think you are. Instead you could… um… yes. Shout out to everyone about the nutritional value of… Jalapenos? Me likes this idea. So, I could stand on the chair to do this. But then again, who would choose to stand on a chair instead of a table?

Jumping onto the table I open my mouth to shout, but before I can make a sound someone has put their hand over my mouth and dragged me back off the table again. Seriously? That would have been awesome to shout a message about how amazing Jalapenos are. I turn around to shout at the person who dragged me of the table, backwards may I add and gasp.

In the process of turning around I deliver an A grade roundhouse kick into the stomach of my kidnapper. Dropping into an offensive stance, after the kick(which actually deserves an A* in my humble opinion) which brings me face to face with… mid-air. Lowering my angle I readjust my stance to.. the midget standing before me? No my kidnapper who is currently doubled over clutching the family jewels. Hmmm seems like I hit a bit lower than intended.

“Whoops!”  (for those of you who don’t know sarcasm when you see it THAT WAS SARCASM) My attacker stands up straight and I once again have to readjust my stance as he is considerably taller than me. My eyes scan him up and down. No eyes control yourselves. Now this is someone worth stalking (cue evil laugh mwahahahahahh…)

“Uuum hi?” damn it who dares to interrupt my internal evil laugh “No don’t let me interrupt your evil laugh” nameless attacker says. Damn it I need to stop saying this stuff outloud.

“Uuum I think you should...” Oh random worth stalking attacker guy is still speaking “Hello? you should probably...”

“Any reason why you felt the need to pull me off the table just as I was about to tell the world about my undying love for Jalapeno?” R.W.S.A.G’s (random worth stalking attacker guy’s) face morphs into a face of confusion and disgust.