A Bad Spy's Guide To Life

Rule Three: Never Talk to Uranus

Rule three: Never Talk to Uranus

 

So, you might be wondering just why I am balancing on my stomach on a piece of wire ten meters above the ground? Wouldn’t you like to know. Well, here’s the thing. I’d tell you but then I would have to kill you. Oh yeah. Always wanted to say that. No but really I would have to kill you.

Yeah and that’s the truth. State secret and all that jazz… Screw state secret I’ll tell you anyway. Remember that spy school that I used to go to? Well today is the mid term field assessment for the students in lower sixth (small fact to remember; me and alien are in lower sixth). Conveniently aelin is “ill”. So I guess the load falls to me to make sure that only one child of the Halway family gets kicked out of spy school. Lucky me. Except, you know, mother may be slightly unaware of this. Oops?

Today our task is to recover Van Gogh's lost paintings. Who said anything about the Halway institute being a school for respectable and non-villainous spies? We have a whole wing of the school devoted to thievery, a student from our school in 1991 took (amongst others) Van-gogh painting Sunflowers from the Van-Gogh museum in Amsterdam. Affectionately named in the inner circles of art heists The Monkey and his Accomplice, were tutored by my grandfather and to this day three of the paintings from the 20 which were stolen, remain lost.  Art thieves, collectors, dealers and spy’s alike have been searching for these priceless works ever since. Our task; recover the lost paintings, Marguerite Gachet, Gypsies at Saint- Maries and Orphan Man. The tech team have located these paintings and all that is left to do is to grab the paintings and bring them home. Easy right? Yeah now consider the fact that they lie in the vaults in the castle of the Dutch royal family. This mid term assessment just got a whole lot more difficult.

We are using the “organ and the monkey” method. This requires a distraction whilst the monkey enters the building supposedly unnoticed. This was used in the Swedish National museum Rembrandt/Renoir heist of 2000, car bombs were set off around the museum so one thief was able to slip in through the main entrance, steal three paintings by Rembrandt and Renoir and waltz out again with the priceless paintings concealed in a scrubby art portfolio. Unfortunately we are limited in supplies and violent and harmful distractions are out of the question, this means that Aelin’s classmates are spread around the city in a series of flash mobs and small scale shop robberies (I think it’s fair to say that there will be a class of very well dressed teenage girls this time tomorrow). Meanwhile, Aelin being the ugly midget gem that she is (damn it  we’re identical) sorry the sculpted supermodel that she is was elected as monkey, so hence the reason that yours truly is now the monkey and lying rather uncomfortably on a thin piece of wire suspended across the palace courtyard.

Lets just say that the organ plan fell apart from what I can gather through the headset, somewhere in Hollister when Quinn and Penny were so busy goggling at topless Dutch men that they got caught nicking two bags full of jackets. This meant that the high speed chase didn’t take place and Philly and Jen had to go bail them out. The monkey plan also fell apart due to some guy in the castle gardens flirting with me due to Aelin’s slutty clothing choice. See, nobody knows that I’m not Aelin, so apparently I have to dress like my twin sister, oh the joys of being an evil twin. Luckily I decided to improvise and the tech team (who are currently based in the ladies toilets in the palace tearooms) managed to cut the power off for the past nine minutes. Meaning that I only have one minute to reel in this string attached to the case of paintings which I stole earlier and scarper before the electric wire I am balancing on (not an easy feat in a short skirt i can tell you) turns back on and zaps me to Australia and back.

Seriously though, why would anyone make an electric wire? Are they trying to kill us thieves? Spies! I meant spies! Now that we’ve cleared up the fact that I am not a thief, lets just continue with this mission, yeah? Hey, cut that phone out! This is an art gallery, doofus. Wait. Oh no no no no. This cannot be happening. Shit shit shit. It’s my phone, isn’t it. Why me, what have I ever done to you? Please, please. Ooh I’d better answer it, I guess. This can’t take long though, or I am dead. Literally and figuratively.