thoughts.

to my, best friend.

to: my Energy

I just want you to know that:
I'll always be here for you.
I'll make you happy. even though I don't know how.
I'll make you smile, even though I can't smile at all.
I'll make you, you. even though I don't know myself.

I want to tell you that you looked nice- no not nice, wonderful wearing that.
I want to tell you that you're the most beautiful person I've ever laid my eyes on. inside and out.

You're the most trusted person I know.
You've became the reason why I smile and cry.
but you don't know that
but that's okay

because I love you.

but I'm so stupid for falling in love with you.
I don't know what I'm going to do once I lose you.
yet you deserve someone better than me.

but I want to tell you, how much I am so so blessed to be with you.
as someone I can trust and talk
as someone I can hold and see.
I'm very lucky to have you in my life
but sometimes I regret, you being my life.

Last time I remembered, you were the one who made life bearable.
Last time I remembered, I wasn't feeling this way. I was care free being with you. saying every cringe shit or weirdest shit out there yet there you are, knowing and understanding those. you're someone that I could let my, real self be with. comfortable with. you saw the two different versions of me. only 3 people have seen those side of me and you're part of it. But now I can't be free being with you. I get these goddamn butterflies whenever you're near me. Thinking of things to say whenever I'm talking to you.

now fuck. What have I done. our friendship is weird now and I can't be comfortable with you anymore.

You know, One friend told me that you liked me back. She told me that you like me back because I was being affectionate..
honestly, idk what to feel.

should I be happy that you like me?
but why though
why would you like a person like me? You know that I'm nothing and probably the worst person you know but why.

or should I be sad that you only like me because I was being affectionate.
after all, if I havent done those, you won't like me anyway. you've seen me, inside and out. but you didn't like me.

wow. im so damn pathetic. im so damn sorry, i cant control myself. I was loosing time. I was loosing you.

Should I be angry at you because you had her?
The "perfect" person you've met. besides from rosé. of course, but you get my point.

now you're my life and I can't let you go away.
but who am I. Who the fuck am I to just
control your life, after all I'm just someone.

someone you could easily replace.
someone you could throw away.
since I don't worth anything.

I'm nothing.

but for some reason
In your world, In your eyes, I have worth.
but the thing is, I don't.
and will never will have worth.
as what you've told me, "You're worth it."

Why did I fall for you anyway?
Having a crush on you was bad enough, falling for you is a death sentence for me.

I'm sorry for this, I really do. but I did try to remove my feelings for you. to save our friendship and me not fucking anything up.

but you're giving me more reasons to fall. You know that you're smart. you're pretty. you're patient, caring, a sunshine, determinated, tall, knows how to dance, knows how to cheer people up, knows shit, you always try your very best to everything, even though its hard to learn something you keep on learning it, you're sweet (sometimes) you're wonderful, amazing, funny, your laugh is the funniest, the way you cheer people up even though you're not happy yourself, your dimples are cute, you smell really good (btw, I really like that), understanding, helpful, respectful, kind, rELiGiOuS, charming, awesome and beautiful

but

why am I so close to you to the point I would rather hurt myself than hurt you

Why am I getting hurt when you're not even mine.

why am I like this.

I hate that
I hate that I love you so much.
I hate that
I could never show or tell things to you without you or others knowing what I really feel about you
I hate that
I'm just a person
I hate that
I'm like this
I hate that
People doesn't accept us, judge us.
I hate that
My mind works like this.
I hate that
You don't like her anymore because you're giving me hope that you and I will be together

but I really hate that
I'm a photographer. why? because I could picture us both together.

wow I'm really corny.

anyways this is enough
I hope this is enough.
I really hope.
but as what a slut said,

"If she's the cause of your happiness and her happiness is your happiness, make her happy."

I'll do that.
I'll do that.
even though it will hurt me more
I'll do that

I just...

don't

want

to

lose

you

in

my

life.

Damn it hurts to love.

but you know, thank you.
thank you for being that person.
thank you for everything.
I wanna hug you for a very, very long time and just-
tell everything. cry and Laugh. with you.
I'm so cheesy wth but yeah.

love you. bitch.
:)

From: the person who's been with you since the beginning :)

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Author's Note:

I'm sorry for the wrong grammar and spelling. I was crying when I made this letter.  My mind was all over the place. It really does hurt when you fell in love with someone you can't have.

So I wrote this long letter for my best friend who I fell in love with. I told myself that I will send it to her once I confessed or lose feelings for her. It's been 2 years since I confessed to her. But in that confession, I lied. I told her that my feelings for her had faded and my love for her was only a best friend kind of love. But guess who's still in love with her? Haha, me..
so yeah, I've never sent her this letter and she still thinks that I have no feelings for her anymore. God, I'm a bad person. But hey, seeing her happy because of another person makes me happy. Her happiness is my happiness. I love her but I know that I won't give her that kind of love that deserves to feel. I let her go but my feelings are still here. I hope she finds the right person.. The person that will make her smile and gets her soul to happy.

I rambled again. I'll stop here.

Again, I'm really sorry if you don't understand anything. English isn't my first language. But I will try to improve it. Thank you for reading~