I suck in a quick break and I nod awkwardly in the doorway. She steps to the side allowing me to pass through the huge doorway.
"What's that" she points to my chest with confusion littering her face.
"A card" I hold it out to her.
"Who's birthday is it?" She turns her head slightly.
I stand still and silent as I realise that a thank you for inviting me card isn't actually a thing. "My brothers I was suppose to take it home I'll put it in my pocket" she shrugs and laughs. She calls me weird but it doesn't hurt, she talked to me.
"Blain?" She appears from round the corner and I hadn't realised she wanted me to follow her, I was still stood next to the door clenching my card and emotions.
I nod silently and walk into the kitchen with her. Alcohol fills the counter top. I've never been drunk before.
"Want one?" She holds out an empty plastic cup and I know she's referring to alcohol but I could really do with some juice. However, to avoid social death and disappointment from the beautiful girl I nod.
"Why don't you speak Blain?" She looks up and me and I look down. Eye contact is not a strength I hold. "I do" I speak confidently.
"Not to me" She states and my heart continues to rise. I wipe the sweat collecting in the middle of my palms on my surface of my jeans and I take a deep breath without realising, I want to look at her.
"You didn't see me" I quietly speak before looking up at her.
"Early birdy blain, I like it" a familiar voice booms through the kitchen as a small figure carries trough a bottle of alcohol and walks towards his love.
I decide to take a drink, I let them choose and I struggle to swallow the horrific taste down my throat but I do it anyway. Whilst sat confused thinking about how horrible this substance tastes and the strange effects it has on our bodies, short and long term and wonder why we do it. Whilst continuing to do it.
By the time I snap out of my thoughts, lots more people fill the large spaces in Lily's house and she's nowhere to be seen, neither is Jake.
"Another?" Spencer appears at my side with yet another bottle of alcohol and a smile.
I look to my empty cup and I hold it out her, returning a smile.
She pours me a drink and jumps up on the counter top next to me. She starts to talk about school and how she knows what she wants to do in college and afterwards. Pretty much until the day she dies she has it figured out. I can't figure out the next few moments of my life. It makes me mad at her. I sit and listen because sometimes listening is enough.
"What about you?" She finally pauses from her long tail of words and I have had two more drinks in that time. The taste is getting better and the pounding of my heart has slowed.
"Don't know" the words fall out my mouth and I feel a tingle through my body. A slight sway as took over me and I want to go outside.
I jump off the kitchen counter and walk to the front door. Tugging a little too hard on the door handle as it flys open. Jake and Lily are stood on the other side of the door, Jakes hands through his hair and Lily's arms crossed, eyes glistening under the front lights. I take in the exchange in front of me with a negative feeling but unable to move.
"Sorry" I speak, still standing. "It's okay man, we're just talking" Jake puts his arms down and steps closer to Lily, she doesn't look at me and I don't move.
The three of us stand silently for a moment before Jake takes Lily's hand to walk back inside. She takes his hand and they walk past me, she looks up at me, swollen eyes and red lips. I fall slightly back against the wall, swearing it's the alcohol. She looked at me, all I felt was pain.
I felt this urge, this confidence to talk to her. A need for attention.
"Lily!" I shout back and they both stop to face me.
"Yeah" she stands slightly taller.
And then I pause. Everything pauses including my heart, my lungs forgetting to breath I just pause. "Thank you...for the party" I raise my empty plastic cup and she forces a small smile at the side of her mouth.
"Hey are you okay it's cold out here" Spencer. I take a seat on the small bench outside the house and she takes a seat next to me. "I think your cool blain" she speaks and I swing my legs underneath me. She looks to me but I continue to look forward. She thinks I'm cool and I'm not. I'm the very definition of uncool. I don't even want to be cool. She says the wrong things.
"Thanks" I speak.
"Lily's not who you think she is" she puts her dainty hand on my thigh and I turn to face her, interest, curiosity maybe. Who is Lily? I want to know.
"Who is she?" I look at Spencer I really look at her, while I wait for a manual of some sort. She shakes her head and sighs.
"Not good enough for you" she shrugs and climbs from her seat, walking away. Not back to the party just into the street. I want to follow her, make sure she's okay, find out what she meant not good enough for you. But I don't.
Instead I fall into thinking, I hate thinking and feeling. The state of unsureness about me, about tomorrow and the day after. I can't live on the edge if I don't know what's underneath me. I can't fall without knowing if I'll make it. I don't want to jump. I want to know. I don't want to love but I want to be loved. I think.
I walk home, very clearly drunk as I am sick a number of times in random peoples bins. Angry I put the stupid substance in my body.
Only I'm somehow back at my mothers not my dads. I bang my head against the front door and a few moments later my mother appears, looking amused whilst concerned I'm sure I have a lingering smell of intoxication and vomit. "Say nothing" I speak and she nods with a grin, letting me past her.
Why did you lie to me Lily?
