We are tired.
Not always physically, but still, we are tired.
You know that feeling: you can't focus, you can't go to school or work.
You can't even get out of bed in the morning, because everything just hurts.
It's that kind of tired.
Except we're so tired, we can't go to sleep at night.
We try, and try, but can't ever put up enough of a fight.
These walls seem to shrink each and every hour.
Still, we find it home-like.
Because they say home is where the heart is.
A place you can be yourself.
A place where you're accepted, valued and loved.
You see, there's a reason I said home-like, instead of home.
We want to be ourselves, but we can't shake the feeling of being alone.
We try to accept, love, and value ourselves
but it seems like our feelings are a roller-coaster
without an end.
I never used to be this way.
I used to care about myself.
Saw everyone as nice,
I never thought twice.
But thinking back, maybe I should have.
When I was younger, I didn't believe in bad people.
Never once did I realize true nature.
A hateful, powerful force,
that makes my voice hoarse.
The nature of the world we live in.
It's scary.
Especially when you're battling it in your own mind.
These secrets you try to hide,
and all the things you told yourself,
these lies,
They want to break free.
Thoughts like: 'why am I here?'
'What made me this way?'
'How do I change?'
That's the hardest question of all.
Because, sometimes we are told we don't have to change,
but other times we have to, because it makes someone uncomfortable.
But what about us?
What about our discomfort?
We always feel like something is wrong,
barely holding on,
trying drugs or alcohol, or other risky behavior
because it's our only escape.
It's our friends and family, whenever we need someone to talk to,
our counselor when we need some advice.
The only thing we feel is right,
because it saves us. It listens.
And when I am tired, it's hard to turn away from the tobacco filled paper,
the way the filter feels in a mouth that can't always speak.
The way the smoke fills my lungs makes me feel like I can preach to anyone who will listen.
It makes life bearable for a solid twenty minutes,
so I can tell the people of this world that we are not faking,
and that they must be mistaken.
Because who would want to live a life where you're always forgotten?
And for the people who don't seem to get it,
the ones who don't understand,
or maybe you just don't want to:
If you felt like you couldn't be yourself,
if you felt unsafe for being proud of who you are.
if you were told you that you were wrong,
when in your heart, you know you are right,
if you ever felt like you were stuck in mud,
never getting anywhere,
you would feel this tired, too.
