"This tears from years ago won't dry. Not even thousand times, not even the Earth never exist anymore." - C
I was young, loved and free. May I throwback to the time I am still there ? For I am so pleasure to tell you all about it while I'm sitting on this cement. World is blurry or maybe it's my eyes? Many cars down there. It reminds me of how many friends I used to have. They were all happy to see me for the first time. I hope it can be happened everyday. But, if it isn't because of them, I would have buy many low quality things in the market instead of buying the only quality one. They are many, but most of them are copy original grade. The worst one, only show up whenever my wallet is thick and full. Sadly, I bought them all, I bought my friends, yet I was young, loved and free, I am lonely. May I lay down? My story isn't finished yet. But honey, read it hurry. The sun will set herself. She wants to free herself for a while and she might takes me too. My chapter closed whenever it wants, like my eyes but not my heart.
Love, nothing real about it. Why ? Some said it is beautiful, some said it is painful. No one said love has happy ending. For me, I am still waiting. But funny that now when I 'fall' everyone will chase me, none will look down to me. This kind of fall have full respect from public, perhaps? There's my mom, she's crying. Oh why ? she takes my hand I'll wipe it. She is my real lover. She cries as if I was born again. I can't wipe her tears 'cause my hand can't reach her. I believe, dad will wipe her tears for me. I am happy too to see the world. They are so blue.
Oh Angel ! They have wings. I believe that I'm flying now, on my way to catch my dream. I am ambitious too. I am successful. I have everything kids my age don't. I have money, yet I am still broke. But still I have wings now. May I open my arms ? please, say yes! Let me have a 'yes' for the first time. Don't scream, I won't take anyone. Why are you guys shouting, or are you guys really happy to see me? I smile for you all, I'll go down now, reaching for you.
Where did you go? I'm worried. I would like people to escourt me. But where did you all go? I'm cold, and this red fluid all over my body really scares me. Mom? Dad ? Where is my towel ? I want to take a bath right now. Friends ? Where are you guys ? I'm weak. My knee !! I can't even kneeling. Give me your hands, help me rise before the sun set. I'm really cold !! Someone, help.. What is this fluid ? Where are my wings ? Is it xanny..? I'm hallucinating. I can't see anyone nor anything. What is this diary ? It is the only thing I can see. Someone, give me light. I can't read dark story in a really dark place.
My brain seems to stop functioning. Am I paralyzed? No, I'm at the most peace now. I can't see anything yet but I feel pleasure to lay down on the ground. Once, I see the world. It still blurry but the sky is red.. Is it my eyes ? My ears start functioning, I can hear people screaming. Mom... It's her voice. I can't feel anything but pain. Mom .. Dad .. I'm crying. My body is in pain. It's painful ! Please give me some massage. It would be great to be massaged. It would be great to gain attention from Mom and Dad.
There's the angel. I can see him clearly. Fully white and shine. He smiles the most beautiful smile. Why I can touch his hand ? My God ! My hands are twisted and broken. He says to me to not scare. His voice is angelic. I hold his hand and I heal. But still, I heard mom and dad crying at the most painful.. For seconds, I know it's not a good thing to make them cry. Wake me up.. wake me up !! But still, the angel hand is so soft and the smell of heaven, I can smell.
Mom, dad.. Why do you care when it was too late.. I always told that I'm leaving soon and you assumed it was a joke. Now you cry so hard and making me wants to wake up. I feel guilty for making you feel bad. Friends, why do you call me thousand times. I can't pickup your calls, you can call me anytime when I was there but why now? I don't want to wakeup. For the first time, I feel light. All my burdens go away. Isn't it what you want.. for me to feel at the most ease ?
I can hear my voice, it's low but clear. I am breathless. What do I want to say ? there are many. Since the day I was born, thank you for everything. But the words thank you are as simple as its meaning. What is this feeling ? I dont want to leave but I would love to leave. I'm sorry I can't calm you down.. Mom dad, talk to me, I hear.. I hear you ask me to be strong.. I appreciate it but you would have said it long time ago. Then, I can be strong until now. I am tired of being strong.. May I rest for a while..?
Dad, your grip is still as tight as the first time I fell down from my first bike. I love when you do that now. I love that everytime I fell down, you always hold my hand. I'm sorry that this time it's different. Oh Lord, there are so much love I can give to both of them. I can feel it until now but I don't regret it. My friends, I love them than they ever thought. I will always be there and they beside me always. I feel really peace 'cause I've granted their wishes ; To love them until the end. Too many people love me.. May I say I love you? I almost lost my voice. Just for this time. Please.
"I love you.."
I did it !! I did it !! I'm happy to say that. The angel smiles at me. My hands are not twisted anymore. The red stains, I can't see it anymore. Guess what ? I'm standing. I wear a very pretty dress. Really lovely and pure.. I can't see my mom and dad anymore. The only thing I see is a field full of long green grass. Beautiful and fresh, and butterflies. Oh, there are kids too ! I'm gonna play with them.. I am free. I am young and beautiful. I have no worry anymore.. Mom and dad, I'm happy now. I'll go.
"Goodbye"
" As she was burdened, loveless and lifeless, she was taking Xanax and getting hallucination because of a long term depression. No one ever care of her and taking action about her depression. No one ever ask if she was okay despite all the smiles she always showed. She wanted nothing but to see the world for her last breath at the rooftop. As she began to hallucinate again and thinking about all the problems she had in the world, she hallucinated of having wings and began to fly. But she was only fall to the ground from her apartment rooftop. When she was dying, she barely heard her parents crying. In fact, she wasn't really heard it since she had lost many blood and lost her sense of hearing. The cries isn't what she heard but it is what she wanted to hear. She was breathless and she took her last breath to say I love you. It is sad because she doesn't want to die, but wants to be okay. She doesn't know what to kill in herself , so she killed herself. "
