Remember to Forget

Chapter 29

Luke's POV

Once I got home from Delilah's the other day, reality sunk in, and I was upset. But what else is new.

I had a great time with Delilah and Lucy when it snowed, but being that happy made me more upset. I feel guilty for being happy, even though Delia said that she wants me to be happy. It's just so hard. My sadness is a part of me now, I'm not automatically going to become happy. It's going to take a lot to do that. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully happy without feeling slightly guilty.

And I couldn't help but think how much Delia would have loved seeing the snow.

The voicemail really messed with my emotions. It wasn't what I was expecting at all. I don't really know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't that. I'm not sure if it would have made thigsn easier if she'd just said she was mad at me, like I thought she was. I just wish I could have one more day with her and settle everything. But now I'll never know what could have, or would have, happened to us. I'll always wonder.

So for the past few days, I've locked myself in my room like I usually do. Delilah's texted me a few times asking how I am, but I haven't responded. I just can't right now.

I've been thinking a lot about Delilah. I'm really conflicted by everything about her. She makes me so happy, but she makes me sad, too. It's so confusing. She's so confusing.

I also haven't really wanted to see Delilah, but at the same time, I want to. Like I said, it's confusing.

 When I was at her house wrapped up in her blanket, I panicked. I don't know if it was because we were so close, or because I could smell her perfume which reminded me of Delia, even though it smelled nothing like Delia, or if it was just everything. I feel like I'm getting too attached, or something. That's what always happens, and then something goes wrong. I'm afraid of losing something, or someone, that means a lot to me again. I don't like how I'm becoming so close to Delilah, it scares me. So I had a small panick attack on the couch once I started thinking about Delilah, and Delia, and the voicemail and everything else that's happening. It all hit me at once, and I freaked out. 

I've been avoiding her ever since. I feel bad that I always avoid her when something happens, but it's just what I do. It's who I am.

Thankfully, Delilah isn't working when I go to my appointment with Candace. I don't know what I would have done if she was there. She makes me feel so many things all at once.

I hate it.

Candace is her usual cheery self. I'm my usual depressed self.

"How are you today, Luke?" Candace asks.

That's when I break.

I tell her everything. Well, I write it on the white board. It takes a really long time. I tell her how I listened to the voicemail and how I'm feeling about Delilah. I've been opening up a little more every visit. I think it's because I've been taking my pills. They've been making me do things that are so unlike me.

Or maybe I'm changing, I don't know.

Before I know it, I'm crying as usual. I blame the pills for crying so much, too.

Candace always comforts me when I cry like this, and I find it extremely awkward. I don't even know why I cry half the time. It just happens all the time. I'm constantly overcome with emotions. That's another thing I hate too. Whenever I cry, I try to stop myself from crying. I end up breathing weirdly and getting the hiccups, it's awful.

Candace tells me that she's happy I listened to the voicemail. She asks if I've listened to it more than once, and I have.

I've listened to it every day, hoping to figure things out. I think it's just making things worse though.