A-Z : How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

A. Always Listen to Me - That Little Voice in Your Head is Nuts

      Instinct? What a load of crap. Instinct is nonsense, and will get you either killed or transformed into a zombie with an incredible lack of personal hygiene. And trust me, no one wants to smell as bad as a zombie. They reek to high heaven. That's the first indication that zombies are near - the smell. However with the zombie apocalypse nearly complete, everything smells terrible.

      However, that's besides the point. The point is, don't listen to "your gut". Your gut is literally a bunch of intestines that can't tell you anything besides the fact that the shellfish you had eaten was spoiled. (Trust me - spoiled shellfish is horrible.) So don't listen to yourself, because you are unreliable and if you're looking to my manual for help, obviously inexperienced and terrified. Follow my advice, and only my advice because I am generously attempting to save your miserable little life. I've spent years warding off zombies, monsters, and was the first to spot an actual zombie. The zombie was a prisoner of war held captive, hidden in the Altai Mountains. A secret laboratory had been operated in since the Cold War. This man was tortured within an inch of his life, before injected with a biological weapon. This weapon was supposed to use human to carry a virus into enemy territory, before unleashing a deadly disease upon Russia's enemies. Their main target was the United States of America, who had been a pain in their ass for over a hundred years. Since 2025, America had isolated itself from others, causing chaos and sticking their noses where they didn't belong. They made a bunch of enemies, and that's when my ancestors decided to flee to England. So I was born and raised English, but my parents told me not to forget my American blood. But I forgot, because I don't care.

      So when the zombie prisoner was released into America, all hell broke loose.