Steven Universe Fic (Season 2)

part 3 chapter 3: Palace of Ghosts

Steven knew that Spinel dreaded being her just as much, if not more so than he did, but over the course of a few hours her tense demeanor had shifted into a vacant, lifeless one.
She had insisted he could leave her alone, made it clear that she preferred for him to, but every now and again he caught a glimpse of her quietly roaming the halls, staring at nothing, or everything.

"Spinel?"

The soft voice pulled her attention away from the towering thrones. Spinel's eyes shifted down to the speaker and she pulled in a small quiet gasp.

Pink Pearl stood just beside her, quietly twiddling her thumbs, and when their eyes met she shrank away just slightly.

"Hey." Spinel offered the Pearl a smile, though she hadn't yet comprehended that she was real. Pink Pearl ducked her head a little before finally glancing back at her.

"I'm so sorry." She said softly, it was like broken glass though, when Spinel suddenly recollected what the apology was for. She no longer wanted to be here. She wished she could fall apart at that very moment.

"It's fine." She had gotten so good at saying that. So good at pretending that it was fine, pretending that being here didn't make the bile rise in her throat or make her gem ache so much she was certain it would shatter again.
She kept her smile though, and watched as Pink Pearl scurried off to do something else.
If she were good enough, she would comfort her. If she were strong, she would tell the pastel gem that she had no reason to be sorry, that the both of them suffered. They would have found solice in eachother.

Spinel knew better though, and her energy had been spent holding on to that thread that kept her head above the torrent of her memories. She would lose the game if she tried to mention it. She would fail to prove herself, to Steven, to her.
So instead she raised her eyes back to the pink throne, staring into its emptiness while she marinated in the happy memory of sitting in it before Yellow had caught her.
Then she walked away.

She ran into Steven half way toward Pink's room, catching him after he had spoken with Blue about fixing his friends.

"You doing alright?" He asked, but it was almost like the words were disconnected from him, even though she saw his lips move, the words came disjointed and fuzzy after he had already stopped.

"Yeah."

Steven stared at the gem, she was so clearly not alright that he almost wanted to yell at her, purely to snap her out of this empty state. She was like a ghost, meandering about the place like she was looking for something and nothing all at once.

"Spinel, you can talk to me." He watched as her eyes lazily trailed along the floor, her mouth shut tight. Steven reached toward her, resting a hand on her shoulder. It garnered a reaction, but not the kind he had wanted.
Spinel dragged in a ragged gasp before yanking herself away of his touch, fear contorting her face in a small instant.

Steven pulled his hand back as quickly as he could, not expecting the gut wrenching feeling of seeing her so scared, because of him.

"S-s.." Spinel couldn't even form the words, she had been holding it at bay since they had arrived, she was doing so good. Nothing was good, nothing was okay, or fine. She was here in the palace with the diamonds just like before and everything was ghost to her. A constant, terrible reminder, no matter where she turned and she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep pretending.

Spinel shakily pushed past Steven, forcing herself to keep walking toward Pink's room, despite the fact that she shook so terribly that she didn't know if she could make it. She needed to be alone, away from all of them, away from Steven especially.
But he was following her, and she knew it.
Spinel forced the doors open and shut them as quickly as she could manage before all the air in her lungs left her and she was forced to slink to the floor in feeble effort to keep breathing.
Breathe.
Just.
She couldn't, nothing worked, it hurt and she couldn't make it stop and she couldn't let anyone see. Not the way she clawed at her stomach, buckling over with helpless, breathless gasps and choked. Not the way she kicked her feet, pressing her back against the wall even though it didn't change anything.
She could see, kind of.
But through whatever was really there, she saw those ghosts. The ghost of Obsidian and her rejuvenator, hacking and slashing and cleaving, over and over. And each time it made her wretch and heave.
Or the suffocating deep blue that forced her burning eyes to weep all the tears she had until she simply couldn't cry.
And then the last apparition.
As if it were happening over again right then and there, she would have thought so if she couldn't see the frantic, worried pebbles through the vision of White Diamond's finger digging into her gemstone.
Time was so slow in these fits, and they racked her body until she was numb and tired. So unbelievably tired.
It wasn't something she could, or even knew how to stop.
She got good at not hurting herself, but she couldn't get good at stopping this.
Steven would hate it. If he saw.
She would never let him.

But here? There was so little she could do, despite all the effort, some small part of her knew it was inevitable.

Spinel's eyes regained some semblance of focus, her fingers being lightly tugged on by the pebbles almost pulled her from the gaping hole in her chest and mind. And through the noiseless screaming of her head, she heard Steven begging for her to let him in, before the door pushed her forward slightly and she saw the small glimpse of his leg enter the room. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered right now, and as much as she may have desired, her mind wouldn't move any faster than it was currently, even though Steven's worried eyes would have normally made her prone to an excuse. She just couldn't provide one.