If you want me, you can have me, but you need to know- I come wrapped in sad smiles and melancholy evenings. Some days are darker than others, when sadness settles just beneath my skin, coating my bones in apathy. Numbness and anxiety follow me around, fighting for the attention I'll want to give you. My darkness will take it's toll, consuming piece after piece of me, seizing some days as its own despite my protests. You'll have to share me. You might not like it. You might get frustrated when my smile doesn't reach my eyes. When all I can see are the cracks in the mirror and the flaws of life that glare back at me with an ugly grin. When my tears come faster than my laughter, slipping down my face as my shoulders shake and my body trembles. I will try to hide my shaking hands from you beneath worn hoodie sleeves. There will be moments when my eyes look past you at something unseen, lost in thought, and you won't be sure where I am. You'll try to bring me back. Sometimes, it will work.
If I give you my heart, be gentle- it is very broken. The rest of me is scarred, covered in marks and memories of lost battles and days when hope was a laughable thing. The most painful scars are the ones that only I can see. When you ask, I won't be able to explain. Instead, I'll make something warm to drink. There will be days when I fight you. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to pull me from the swirling, chaotic cloud around me, ripping me apart and throwing me back together like a tornado sweeping across my world. Part of me will want desperately for you to pull me close and plant kisses on my scars. To tell me it'll be okay. But another part will want you gone because it's easier that way. It will push and push and push and sometimes it'll win. You will have to be patient. I will come back to you eventually.
If you choose to wait for me, just know that I'm yours. Make some tea in my favorite mug for me to hold when my world comes crashing down and I'll share my blanket with you. We can curl up together and watch movies until we fall asleep with our fingers intertwined. I'm broken, it's true. Pieces of me are still missing, lost among my past or in dark corners of my soul, and the rest is held together with string and glue but I can be happy, kind, and filled with sunshine- dancing to the tune that life plays with a light heart and thankful soul. I will always try to make you smile. I tell bad jokes and laugh at them unapologetically. There are beautiful things about who I am. Those will be easy for you to love. But please remember that with the sunshine comes the shadows. The dark days and numb nights when I'll struggle to feel anything at all, and there is little you can do to help. I'll drown myself in coffee and blankets to keep my demons at bay and sometimes you'll find me with fingers curled tight around anything I can find that will keep me from sinking. I will cry at sad movies and take endless pictures of sunset skies and goofy nights together. Maybe with you, the idea of forever won't scare me so much. There will be moments in time that your heart aches to change. It might hurt you to see me struggle with myself, but I need you to know that I'll be okay.
If you want me, I'm right here, but that means all of me- the good and the bad. A sweet soul wrapped in sad smiles and melancholy evenings, lazy mornings and sleepy kisses, dancing in the rain and laughing till it's hard to breathe.
A bruised heart waiting for you, if you want it.
I hope you do.
YOU ARE READING
Rainy Days
De TodoThis is just one big collection of words that might sense to you. A look into a lost mind. Wander if you dare.
