holding onto you

chapter six

they came home on sunday morning at eleven, conversing controversial rumours of the parish. controversial being things that wouldn't be controversial to anyone other than luca miller's parents. they both had red marks on their knees from kneeling on the stone floor during mass but, "the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). luca wondered why god wants people to suffer if he loves us so much, and why there's so much unfairness in the world and why god doesn't just fix all the bullshit if he's so powerful. his parents loved the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints, loved their son, loved their 20 year marriage and loved jesus.

"did you pray while we were gone?" robert miller asked. he smiled as he said this.

"yes, dad, i did."

"don't get too used to staying at home, we only let you off this week because your mother and i were worried if you would get all your work done. next week, it's back to normal. you're lucky we let you off just this once. anyway, it should be an honour to go to mass with us. you're lucky to belong to a community."

"yes, dad."

"did you hear that denmark legalised same-sex unions?" robert miller continued," now frowning. "i honestly do not know what the world id turning into now. mary, don't you agree?"

"i do indeed." mary miller replied to her husband's remark.

"god created love for a man and a woman. not that i myself can do anything about the issue but i hope this idea doesn't spread to here."

luca heard this and gulped. it was almost as if he didn't hear comments like this from his parents daily. the instinctive noise of their continuous talking started to become muffled in luca's ear. the thought of his mormon parents had never really worried him before now, but more and more he was realizing how his adolescent existence was becoming a liability. as if in sacramento being gay was accepted anywhere. the carpet was a mustard color and he kept his eyes fixed on it. he walked up the stairs and sat up on his bed before he fell back. he was sick of being quiet, being contained, trying to be disciplined. his carpet was also mustard color, along with most of the house. fucking mustard carpet. luca had never really noticed the color before but now it felt like it was screaming at his eyes. he had to get away from there. and that's how luca ended up, sitting among fifty one pair of shoes around midday on sunday october 1st, 1889. 

they were lying on top of each other in almost silence. then ollie interrupted. "do you ever think how crazy the world is? like right now we're just spinning on this giant ball of rock and water. ever think that's strange?" there was silent while luca was thinking.

"well yeah i guess so, i just don't really think about stuff like that."

"really?"

"yeah."

"i think about it all just way too much. how the fuck is the world gonna end? i don't know. does anyone really know. i think everyone is just pretending to understand everything when they don't really get it. we're just tryna put a date and label to things to make it seem like we have complete control. but really, it's all just a mash of chaos and people going round doing their own thing and it just happens to work." he paused for a second. "like you and me right here, right now. literally, god knows how it happened. just a coincidental order of circumstances that led to this, right now." luca started off listening but soon fell sick of trying to keep up. his mind wasn't moving fast. he was just think about right now, and not the universe. ollie kept on talking, the words tripping up each other. luca leaned over ollie and their lips touched for a second. ollie stopped talking and sat up.

he leaned forward and put his head on luca's chest. they lay there like that, enjoying the silence and each other's silent company.