Journaling

11/18/19

Dear friend,
Tonight I feel very alone. It seems stupid. I have a lot going for me but I just can't seem to gain happiness. Most people wouldn't understand why. I have a great looking life. I'm successful (ish), I'm doing what I love, and I'm engaged to the most wonderful man. But I'm alone. I have inner demons that won't let me have peace. I have so much hate in my heart that it aches. I hate her. I hate her. I can't stand her. Whenever I see her face I instantly feel sick. Whenever I see her name I want to cringe. Why does she have this power over me? She doesn't even know. And why, of all things, does my fiancé have to be friends with her. He knows I don't like her. He's seen me cry over it. But he doesn't think my feelings are validated. He says I need to give her a second chance, try to be friends again, or something like that. I love him. I know he loves me. But he's being dumb. He doesn't know how badly I hurt even though I've told him. It's painful watching them be friends. All I can do is watch. We're in a long distance relationship until we get married in April. Every day I have to suffer knowing she sees him every day and I don't. They talk and I can't even know what about. I feel left out. Alone. So alone. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, telling myself it's all in my head, but I know deep down that I'm not stupid. Women know other women when it comes to their man. She can't leave him alone. I'm tired of crying. So tired.

-poet