Savior

From the Jump

The lights were bright, and they were centered on me, forcing anxiety to creep through my body, sending a vicious chill down my spine. It felt as if someone was dragging their nail right down the middle of it. Not heavy enough to pierce the skin, but heavy enough to let its presence be known. 

It was then i had begun to doubt my abilities. 

Could I do it? Can i really speak in front of hundreds of people without embarrassing myself? Without stumbling over my words?

I took a deep breath and urged for my anxiety to sit in the back seat, i had to be confident.

I had to promote black excellence.

Diving into my element i called for my inner goddess to come out and take me into her arms, to give me a sense of relaxation. I tapped the microphone to make sure it was on as I took another deep breath, gently laying my papers out on the podium in front of me.

I gave my shoulders a roll as i realized i had tensed up in the time it took for me to stand and come up to the stand to speak. My boyfriend Taylin can do it, so so can i. He makes it look easy, so it has to be easy. 

I can hear him now, "You got this babygirl, just imagine you're the president and the people are listening to your next move. You're selling free healthcare to the community and they re excited for it." Was his not so brilliant comparison. 

I could do this.

I take another deep breath as my eyes skim the paper, finding the starting place of my speech.

"I would just to thank everyone for coming out and attending our program tonight." I began, staring out into the crowd with a bright smile plastered on my face. I took the time to admire my classmates, seeing how many held a rich glow to their chocolate faces, a rare but beautiful sight. "I am proud to announce that 75% of my class will be receiving awards based on their attendance and academic success. I am even more proud to announce that that is a thirty-eight percent increase from last year's graduating class around this same time."

A large uproar of applause filled the auditorium at the announcement. I couldn't help but to bring my own hands and clap them together, encouraging more applause. It was no surprise that a high record of attendance and academic success was a struggle to maintain in the black community, but with the help of myself, Taylin and the student body, we were able to bring our class together to exceed and overcome obstacles to pass that limitation.

Taking the time for the claps to die out one by one, I scanned the crowd looking for the familiar face of my father. I managed to spot my mother and my younger sister Valentine with grins wide on both of their faces, making my heart squeal. My mother was dressed in an eye-catching silver piece, almost identical to mine. Valentine was wearing a bright yellow sundress, a yellow bow in her hair, accenting the large puff ball that stood atop her head.

I looked to both sides of each other and found myself mildly disappointed.

There was no sign of dad.

It was like him in a way to not show to school events, even after promising his presence, but he knew how much today meant to me, and with my little sister around i would think he would want to make a good impression on her in her younger years. Though today was about me. Today was the day I proved myself worthy of speaking in front of the class at graduation in a few months.

"As Chancellor Academy's Valedictorian, i would like to announce the seniors that achieved perfect attendance the entire first semester." I say into the mic, sliding the paper with all the names I was in charge of calling to the stage.

We had a big turn out of parents today and it made me feel good about myself. It's not everyday we have to pull chairs out of storage just to accommodate a big crowd of parents and family that have come to see their child or children walk across a stage and accept an award. Normally we would have the upper level of the balcony empty, but today it was a little over a full house.

I ran through the names, slowly, one by one, making sure each student got the acknowledgement they deserve. Taylin stood by my side shaking each of their hands after they accepted their awards from the principal, Mrs.Brown. It was an amazing sight to see so many black students, like myself, walking across the stage, being applauded and congratulated, for coming to school.

Throughout the list, more parents arrived through the doors and I couldn't help but to find my heart sinking further as it occurred to me that this might be another event that my father decides to skip. I found myself zoning out into the back of my head as the program proceeded, checking my phone under the podium every now and then for any word from my dad. 

But i never got a text. 

Never got a call. 

I gave my warm thanks after finishing my list, gathered my papers and stepped in place of Taylin as he rose to the podium to announce those with GPAs 3.0 and up.

My eyes lingered to the door just as he began calling names and i noticed security was standing at the door. That meant no one else was coming in, or leaving out.

Feeling my heart break into pieces once again, i take a deep breath and smile at the first person that was approaching me with her hand out, and a camera worthy smile on her face.

It wasn't until there was a tap on my shoulder from Mrs.Brown had i realized i mentally zoned out of the program, only functioning enough to shake hands, whispers congratulations, and so on. I was seated in a chair, watching everyone shuffle around the auditorium with their families. Many of them being hugged and dabbed up, kissed by mothers, and being hugged by fathers who had goof troop worthy grins plastered across their faces.

I look up at my principal, my mentor, and give her a soft smile. "Your mother is waiting for you in the wings. She has something for you Ms.Valedictorian." she says as a smile stretches across her young caramel face. She was a woman of age, in her mid 40s, but from the looks of it, one would think she was in her early 20s.

The beauty of how black don't crack.

"Thank you for letting me know," I smile back as I stand and smooth my dress out. My mother was always someone i could depend on. Even when times got tough, she was always there, behind the scenes waiting for me. And i will forever be grateful for that. 

I wasn't sure where Taylin disappeared to but i'm sure hes with his family somewhere, being kissed by his mother and hugged by his father. I sat the papers that were glued to my left hand down on the chair I was sitting in as all the air left my chest. 

I felt as if i failed. 

I turned to walk towards stage left but was stopped by a soft hand. Mrs.Brown's hand.

"Your father will be very proud of you for banishing your social anxiety and speaking in front of everyone. I know it takes a lot." I turned and looked at her, unshed tears springing up in my eyes. It never fails, even when someone would tell me that he would be proud of me, i always end up feeling as if i had done something wrong, that it was entirely my fault, when my father doesn't come around. 

"He's not here Mrs.Brown. I've told him about this weeks ago, i talked about it everyday, reminding him and momma about it. He told me he was going to be here, with flowers and chocolates in his hand. And hes not. He didn't get to see me speak, he didn't get to see me congratulate my classmates that i'm going to be graduating with. He didn't even get to see wearing his mothers gown in her honor. He didn't even bother to text or call or anything. He stood me up again. Again, Mrs.Brown. So how can he be proud of someone for something he hasn't even seen for himself? That's like believing a theory without providing the proof to back it up. Its only imagination." i couldn't help but blurt out. 

Her face softened as she immediately took me into her arms, embracing me and rubbing my back as i felt my inner goddess collapse of exhaustion and disappointment. 

I had failed. 

But i don't know which sound louder. 

My heart breaking into smaller pieces, or the sounds of gunfire that rang throughout the room.