Changed Life The Sequel (Eyeless Jack X Reader)

The Truth

Yeah, so here is the truth and please be patient because it is a bumpy and possibly long road.

For so long I have been saying that life is getting in the way and that is the reason why I haven't been updating much. That isn't a lie, trust me. However, recently I have been thinking of a time where I told you all that I would be honest and truthful to you. I'm not sure if you remember it but I do.

For those of you who have been here long enough, you might remember the update where my friends were included. Talking about the plan on how I wanted to move for reasons unknown to you. I am about to shed light on the dark truth that is my life. If you do not wish to know then please skip ahead or you may stop reading. Whatever you think is best for you. Before I do start though, just know that the reason I want you all to know is not because I want you to feel bad for me or pressure you into helping me or anything. The reason I am going to say this is because I want there to be an understanding between you and I. Hopefully this will make things easier. 

Here we go:

If you have read every Author's Note then maybe you may think I am the type that smiles a lot. Stays strong and maybe confident. I'm not sure what you think because I can't read your mind but all those good things are not true. That was me wearing a mask because truthfully, I'm broken. I have no confidence, no joy, not strong, not anything but depressed. Why? How could I be depressed? Well because all my life I was treated like an insect no one wanted (besides my friends).

In my early teens, I started to develop a mind of my own. Becoming my own person and that was great. My family always told me that as long as I am myself, then they are happy. XXXXXXXXXXX ERROR XXXXXXXXXXX. DETECTING GIANT LIE. Yep. They lied to me. As I was learning who I am as a person, my dad, mom, step dad and even sister were treating me like the black sheep of the family. Why? What did I do wrong that caused them to treat me like that? Is it because I didn't put effort into looking like the other girls? Was it because I wanted to wear baggy clothes and have messy hair, and value natural beauty instead of looking like I follow fashion tips from a magazine? Or was it because I didn't value any other subject except the arts? Devolping a passion for anything that has to do with creativity. From a small 1 page fanfic of the Greek Gods to performing on stage. Maybe because of my ADHD or....  something!

I still have no idea what the reason is but whatever it may have been, it seemed like nothing I did was good enough for them. What did I do after failing so much? I stopped being myself and started acting like the daugher I thought they wanted. I started to stare at my closet longer and picking clothes that I believed will make them happy. I started putting effort into my hair. I did my best in all my classes. I tried to be responsible for as many things as I could. I took every word they said on what I should do and actually did it. But even though I did all that, they still saw me as the black sheep of the family. I spent years doing this then when I decided to stop, I was lost. I no longer knew who I was. All I knew is that I was sad. Depressed. Lonely. Broken. Beaten down. Taken advantage of.

It took me a long time to find myself again, to know who I am as a person but it doesn't mean that everything they did to me vanished. Some of the things they did to me are burned into my brain/heart that it feels like it will never go away. And if you knew what they did, you would probably understand why. After graduating High School, I planned to go to college straight away because I was so excited to do something with my life but my family had other plans. They kept me around saying they needed my help with money because we were earning less and less. It was foolish of me to agree because 1 year expanded to 4 years.

Everytime I brought up the converstion of starting a life of my own and moving out, they would manipulate or guilt trip me into staying. I know that I don't have to listen to them and I can just go but then they bring up stuff that make me doubt myself on whether or not I will be able to make it on my own. Most of you know what depression can do to someone, it can cause someone to go suicidal. Well that was me, but I had friends that would talk me through it. Keep me away from sharp objects and stuff so I didn't cut myself. I know, I have good friends. Not once have I harmed myself because they would either be there or I would force myself to think of them and how sad they would get if I did that.

This year though is my breaking point. I once got close to going to the top of a building and jumping off. I left fairwell messages to my friends explaining what I was gonna do, why I was gonna do it, and that it will be done right after I did a little something. You probably think that they stopped me immediately after I sent that message, right? Wrong. I sent the message when I knew that everyone was busy. However, the thing I wanted to do first took longer than I expected. By the time I was done and ready to head out and end my life, a friend called me. I started to break into tears and answered him. We both cried for hours and he made me promise that if I ever want to do anything dangerous to myself again, I would contact him in a blink of an eye. I promised him that and I always keep my promises.

However, I couldn't keep that promise for long because a few months after, I started to hurt so bad, more than ever before. I wanted to kill myself but I promised I wouldn't hurt myself. I tried to find something to lift the pain, anything. However, it was like the pain took over my body and it grabbed the nearest sharp object. I was still aware of what I was doing at a certain degree. So no, I didn't cut myself. However, I tried to. I ended up with scratch marks instead. I felt awful for breaking my promise, and I confessed. Again, my friend and I had a tear fest. 

You may be thinking, are you depressed because of all that? It doesn't sound like much, I know but there is a whole lot more happening that I couldn't explain. I had to make this as short as possible so believe me when I say that a lot worse has happened that drove me into deep depression. In fact, what hurts me the most is that I told my family I was suicidal. It was my mistake that I used the word was because after that they acted like nothing happened. Like I was okay. It took me ages to come clean and then they act that way. I couldn't get the courage to talk about it again and look where that got me.

Anyway, that is my story. Now why did I share this? Because it gives you insight as to why I want to move away. That's what I have been working on the past few weeks. Trying to get a job in another state so I can move away and possibly be happy. However it is proving to be hard. I don't know what else to do, and for those of you who saw my visual authors note that had my friends, and then went to my conversation board, no. No this is not my way of asking you to donate to me so I can get the heck out. Honestly that donating thing was my friends idea and I hated it. Please do keep your money because I just won't feel right if you donated to me.

I'm going to keep trying to find a job in another state and move away, once I am out, I'll see about working on the Sequal again. I am so sorry to dump all of this on you but again, I said that it was because I wanted an understanding between you and I. So you knew why I was taking long. I know I could have just said I was looking for a place/job in another state but for some reason, something was telling me to give you some backstory. That way it wouldn't be seen as "Author-chan! You've been saying the same thing for months." (Threw in Author-chan to lighten the load) 

This time it is different though because, if you are a religious person, then believe me that the Lord sent me a message to know that right now is a good time to look around and move out. How do I know it was him? I was at church and I was desperate for a sign, however at the time I doubted that the Lord wouldn't listen to my prayer. Then I thought back to a story my friend told me. It had to do with this suicidal girl that planned to kill herself the next day but prayed to God to send a random person to her job the next day and do a handstand in front of the vending machine they have. That is what happened exactly. I thought, if that can happen to that girl, then it could possibly happen to me. So I prayed for The Lord to send a random person and stand next to me for no reason at all and say 'It's time for the bird to leave the nest.' Can you guess what happened next? No, it didn't happen..... when I was awake. It happened in my dream though and let me explain why you shouldn't think it was just my sub-councious creating that.

It happened 4 times in one day. On that day I decided to take a nap and that message/act was said in my dream. I woke up afterwards and went back to sleep. happened again and over and over again. I NEVER get dreams like that. Not once in my whole life have I ever had a dream repeat.... or at least, not in one day. (I have had dreams repeat but it is usually months/years apart). I truly believe it was a message.

So.... yeah..... I don't really know how to end this soooooooooo...... Have a nice day/night my dear Creepens?