Blogged Thought

Insecurities

Every person has a moment in his life where he feels useless, stupid, ugly, or the lowest of the low.
Even if you're Beyoncé, or Matt Lanter, or the 'it celebrity' for all your life, you can never avoid one of my greatest enemies ... Insecurities.

I looked at the mirror, analyzing every detail of my face.
I wish I had bigger, expressive, electric blue eyes.
I wish my hair's mahogany shade stood out.
I wish I haid fair, flawless skin.
I wish I was thinner, and had more muscles.
I wish my lips would get red and pouty.
I wish I had longer legs.
I wish ...
Then I just stopped wishing and let reality engulf me with its wide, open arms.
I frowned at my reflection and tied my hair into a bun.

"Have you texted your mom yet? I really need to .." Grandma blabbered on and on about rice, and time, and stuff my brain wasn't in the mood for. I just wanted to slump in my bed, and feel dreams as if they're real for a few minutes.

I finally finished all the work grandma asked me to do, so I crawled up my bed and under the covers. My eyes automatically closed shut, when I remembered about my homework and the quiz we were going to have the next day.

I grogily stood up and lazily grabbed my backpack and slumped myself on the floor. I didn't have enough energy to walk towards my desk, grab the chair, sit, and put my things on the desk. Like, duuude, could you imagine how much muscles and oxygen I need to do that?

I opened my handbook, or the book sort of thing we use at school to list down the things we need to remember.

Math : Assignment pp. 121 #'s 20-25
Civics : QUIZ tom. pp 133-144 & 149-155
Assignment pp. 154 C

I wanted to groan, but surprisingly, I just opened my math book and started to answer, using my handbook as a solution paper.
I finished my stuff pretty early. And since my math 'literall brain cruncher' homework stole my sleep away, and gave it to my math teacher, I decided to finish the remix we needed for our mass demo presentation on December.

It took me hours to finish the freaking song. And it wasn't anywhere near good, though it was almost OK. Frustrated, I almost went to sleep when I heard a knock on the door. It should be my parents, I thought. I opened. The door and saw mom smiling at me.
"Why are you still awake?"

They brought ice cream.
Cookies and cream and choco almond fudge. It was my reward for getting higher grades, as they said, though we oftenly buy ice cream.
I was only on sixth place over all, with an average of 92.66%, but then, I took a big leap to third place with an average of 93.17%. I was pretty daze at first, and that included ninety-eight percent consumption of my vocal chords, but I eventually got used to it. Though I was pretty pressured, since I needed to advance or maintain my grade.

I finished about, one-fourth of the half a litre tub of ice cream. I loved ice cream, though not as much as oreos. I thanked mom and dad, and went to my room and carefully laid down next to my grandma who was peacefully sleeping.
Then my my reflection flashed through my mind again.
I had an internal battle with insecurity again.
You know he's not gonna look at you. Remember when your friend said she saw his ID, and saw a picture of a beautiful actress? You will never-ever be as good as her. She's pretty, rich, famous, smart, kind, and has everything you don't. So leave him alone. You know he's avoiding you, because you're creepy.
I sighed. Well, at least my conscience has a point, right? At least there's something in my life that has a point.

The one who smiles the most is the saddest.
For a smile holds a thousand meanings,
And a tear has no words to describe it.