Count to Ten

Count to Ten (Part 1)

I told myself I'd never cry at work, but today was proving to be a real challenge. Every few seconds I'd feel a lump rise in my throat, and my eyes begin to water. Then I'd chug water and force it away. I won't let my tears fall here. I just won't.

My boss waltzed through the office and to his desk, wearing his fake tan so confidently that I think he truly forgot it wasn't natural. I tried to avoid glancing at his office, although it was directly ahead of my desk, through a thin wall of glass. Instead, I googled apartments for rent in NYC, desperate to find something, anything, within my measly budget. I'll move there one way or another, with or without this job.

Even with my efforts to keep my eyes glued to my computer, I could feel his gaze on me. It only filled me with more despair, and was frankly, the only reason I wasn't crying.

"Annie, everything alright?" asked Noah, who was dressed in a grey suit far too serious for his personality.

I shook my head, and almost habitually, he scooted his chair next to mine for the first time that day, in the same spot where it usually ends up at least a dozen times during our work day. "Is this something a couple funny YouTube videos can fix? Cause trust me, I've got plenty at the ready."

I smiled at that. "Not this time."

"What's up? What did Calvin want?"

"Well, after two months of being a buyer, Calvin decided that I'm not ready. He's moving me back down to a junior buyer." My shaky voice took me by surprise, showing the first sign of a crack in my shield of anger, which soon would shatter into a face full of tears.

            "Are you serious?" He looked bewildered.

            "Wish I wasn't." I lowered my voice, and dropped my gaze. "I can't believe I actually got demoted. I thought for sure I'd be up for promotion at the end of the year, and then I'd finally be able to transfer to the New York office. God this is so embarrassing. Soon the whole office will know."

            "That's bullshit—" was what Noah began to say, but I cut him off as I scooted out of my chair, and rushed down the hall to the bathroom.

            Looking in the mirror, I reminded myself that I only had to get through two more hours. That was all. And then I could leave the office and be reunited with Lucas. It's been nearly two weeks since I've seen him last, but today he comes home from his trip, and has promised to pick me up from work and then take me to a nice dinner. Surely, that and a few glasses of wine, will cheer me up.

Just two more hours. I could hold the tears in until then. Just as my meditation app told me, I inhaled. I exhaled. I counted my breaths until I felt strong enough to finish the day.

One, two, three, four.

            My hands dabbed concealer under my eyes, trying to hide my bags that were far too big for a 30-year-old, but that's the price you pay when you consistently work 65 hours a week.

            Five, six, seven, eight.

            "Boy trouble?" Asked a blonde lady who emerged from the stall behind me. She gave me a sympathetic, I've-been-there-before-too-look.

            "No, not today." And I let myself fill with excitement at the thought of seeing Lucas. I terribly missed him.

            Nine. Ten.

            I pushed the bathroom door open, prepared to walk back into the office. Before I even sat down at my desk, Noah ushered me to the nearest conference room. "Calvin's called a team meeting."

            Across the room was my boss, near the head of the table. He stood even when we all sat. He never sits. Once he began talking, I found myself tuning him out and daydreaming about seeing Lucas, and longing to live in the same city as my sister again.

            After minutes of hearing him talk non-stop, my head perked up at the mention of me.

            "And so, after a mutual decision, we've decided Annie will be moving back into her role of junior buyer." He said, adding a wink in my direction that made me cringe. "However, It shouldn't disrupt any of the teams efforts, as Lynn has accepted to take on a few additional responsibilities."

            Heat trickled into my cheeks as I felt everyone's eyes on me. I wanted to run home and crawl under the covers. And once again, I felt a lump rise in my throat, and this time I struggled to fight it off. For a minute I thought I would fail, but after a few deep breaths, and some cold water, I was able to put on an apathetic face. No one here would ever see me cry. Except maybe Noah.

            I left the meeting feeling defeated and embarrassed. And that wasn't even the hardest part of the day, but looking back, I sure wished it was.

"I'm really sorry, Ann. You're the most deserving of that spot. He's an idiot if he doesn't see that."

            "Did you hear me in the morning meeting? I was a mess. He's right." I said as I closed my backpack and packed up my bag. "Doesn't mean it doesn't sting though."

            "You're being too hard on yourself." Noah gave me a knowing look, "You wanna ride home? I think you could use a break from the bus for one day."

            "No thanks, Lucas is actually picking me up today."

            His eyes widened at that, but he forced a small smile. "Oh, okay. Great. Well I'm just gonna stay and finish up some stuff, but I'll see you in the morning?"

            "Unfortunately."

            I walked out of the front doors, sat on the curb to wait for my ride, too distraught to care about the bitter air. Lucas said he'd be here at five. I looked around. The only things in sight were a handful of cars on the road, the only city bus that goes this far into the suburbs, and a few pedestrians. It was now 5:10pm, and he was nowhere in sight. I exhaled. Another five minutes passed.

            And then another minute. Two minutes. Ten minutes.

            Almost dreadfully, I slid my phone out of my pocket to call him. But then my screen lit up with a text. I didn't need to read it to know what it said.

            Sry babe. Can't make it there in time to pick u up. But dinner at 8?

This time, when the tears came, I didn't bother stopping them. There wasn't an ounce of surprise in that predictable text. But I was beginning to feel more pathetic by the minute. I let my head drop into my hands, feeling the tears rush through my fingers.

            "Hey, it'll be okay. I'm sure Calvin will realize he's made a mistake soon enough." Noah said as he sat down beside me.

            "That's not why I'm crying. I'm such an idiot."

"Here," Noah said as he handed me a handkerchief.

Despite my damp face, I couldn't help but laugh. "What are you from the 1920s?"

He shrugged. "My dad always buys them for me every year for Christmas, and I figured I'd get a good laugh out of it eventually. Oh, and it's not used, I promise."

I smiled a thank you.

"So, do you want that ride after all?" Noah asked as he joined me outside.

"Please."