*context*: Scott and I met my freshman (his junior) year of college in a repulsively easy Spanish class. We had been made awkward speaking partners once and I remembered he'd laughed at my jokes. I kinda just decided: we're gonna be friends. Now of course I had no idea we were going to be best friends. Going to be "ride or die." Going to be"call me any time day or night and I will be there." Going to be "exploring your deep fear that you will amount to nothing but a benchwarmer, quietly filling the space." And then suddenly, one day, with no warning but the history I desperately ignored, that he would vanish, leaving me an empty shell of who I was before I shared it all with him. Bared my soul to him.
It sucks that I still miss him sometimes. I get it though, it's impossible for something so meaningful to not leave a lasting effect. We got SO close SO quickly. Scott was... I still don't know what Scott was. He came out of nowhere and changed everything.
The worst part is that it didn't need to end... no one liked anyone or anything dumb like that, he was just my best friend. After I went to the cops with the rape (more on THAT shit show later) and I realized they weren't going to do a damn thing I called him and he stayed on the phone with me (while at work) for an hour while I cried.
I had a lot less anxiety when we were together, it just felt like nothing was ever that bad anymore, nothing could hurt me except for Calliope's stinky side of the room. But it didn't matter because I moved in Scott's after like a month? And when I say moved in, I MEAN moved in. I wasn't technically supposed to live there, in the boys' dorm, but he had a single so no one minded. He was always home, always waiting for me. It was such a comforting feeling, so nice to know I had someone to come home to that I cared about. We had plans to live together the next year too, above board. Kimmel allows all gender housing. It was all set up... until it wasn't.
But back to when we did live together, I kept clothes there, food, makeup. I slept on the pullout couch across the room. Sometimes he would lay on the floor next to my bed and I would pet his hair or hold his hand, it was never romantic just pure human comfort.
This is surprising because we spent the first two of our three month friendship having never hugged. We did not hug until we left for winter break and I realized just how much I loved him because it was IMPOSSIBLE to spend so long away from him. I missed my best friend, it felt wrong sleeping alone now.
He always closed his eyes when I changed. He would even come with me sometimes to the bathroom because WOW that was a long journey.
I once made him cry from talking so passionately about how one day he'll be very happy with his loving wife and a kid, I hoped a daughter and how I wished more than anything that I would be there to see it. He was so moved that I thought so much of him. My how the mighty have fallen.
How do you go from bearing your soul on that warm res/rec floor to letting me walk home alone at 1 in the morning with some of my shit because I knew this fight meant it was it. I had to move out. I still find it ironic that Dorothy was the one who told him I was so mad I didn't even want to see him to get my stuff back. It was so clinical, so black and white, easy and emotionless.
"Friends can break your heart too, and I'm always tired but never of you"- i hate u i love u: gnash
We truly couldn't get enough of each other. We were always together or talking. I finally had someone I could have phone calls with again. Growing up Jamal was always that person for me, but of course he left during the great "Whore of Homewood" coup of 2017/junior year, but that's another chapter.
I had met his dad, good man. My mother knew better than to trust Scott. She says she gets a read off of people and from him she got absolutely nothing, no type of feelings, energy, etc. She says only a psychopath gives off those lack-of-vibes.
"I know I'm being bitter, but I'ma drag you under, cuz you just don't, don't deserve Happy Ever After, for what you did to me, after you told me you never felt that way... it was only just a game!"- Begging on Your Knees: Victorious
Honestly, as much as it makes me a bad person for admitting it, I can't wait for them to break up. And I hope it tears him up inside; I hope this is the great heartbreak that makes him sit back on ass and really think about his life. He ended our friendship for Dorothy, over Dorothy, whatever. But there was no reason to... I did not like him romantically. He did not like me romantically. She did not have a problem with us being friends, if anything she tried to keep us together at first. And then, it just seemed easier for everyone if someone who also needed his love and attention was just gone. So, he made me disappear. Acting as if none of it happened. I never existed.
He would always make fun of me for texting too fast and then sending a message with a bunch of typos. So now, every time I do that I think of him. It's kinda shitty how simple life events can become attached to people like that. It makes forgetting and moving on very hard. I don't miss who he is, I miss who he was alone with me in those moments. Perhaps it was naive to assume a platonic friendship could ever mean as much to someone my age as a romantic one. God, we're obsessed with romance and sex, as if the concept of enjoying/appreciating another person isn't universal? It should cross all barriers we put on relationships. Every. Last. One.
But, you're reading this reflection of a broken promise and unexpected heartache, so, obviously not everyone agrees with me on that point.
