Eliana was my first girl friend. My first vague realization that maybe I wasn't fucking insane for loving another girl. And love her I did. I worshipped the ground she walked on proudly.
But, like most young queer relationships, the parameters of the relationship were rather unclear. I could hold her, and treasure her and feel and know what was in her heart, but I could not kiss her. I would be forced to hear about the others, who only ever broke her heart anyway.
They'd break her, and I'd pick up the pieces.
Poems regarding her:
You were the one.:
"Picking fights with all your might,
But when I leave, you fucking scream.
Tell me why, you always cry,
When I disagree, I'm never free.
Said I'm feeling trapped,
You fucking snapped.
LEAVE ME THEN, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!
The fights continue, I'm the perfect one to misuse.
Over and over, wish you were sober.
Not from drinks you pick, but all these pricks, who get in your pants so fucking quick.
"It's different with guys"
Spin me more lies.
Tell me again and again,
That I'm the one,
But we all know really this is just for fun.
A human nature,
I wasn't built for,
So when I meet my Creator,
I'll tell him you were the one."
I was wrong.:
"I thought you were a cool drink of water; You were poison.
I thought you were soft grass; You were poison ivy.
I thought you were a gate; You were a barbed wire fence.
I thought you were a teddy bear; You had a razor blades in your fur.
I thought you were a comfy chair; You were broken and let me fall.
I thought you were a parachute; You had holes punctured yourself.
I thought you were mine; You were mostly their's and his and anyone who told you they wanted you.
I thought we were in love; You only loved yourself.
I thought I could fix you; You broke me.
I thought the end of school bell dings meant wedding rings and lovely things but all that sings in my head is break up songs
and cold nights alone.
Fists in the wall.
Aches in my heart.
And the uncaring, remorseless smile you threw on as you left."
Schizophrenia:
"Voices in your head
Couldn't hear all the loving words I said.
They screamed and you screamed back
Somehow it was my heart under attack.
You got worse
But I'm the one who got hurt.
You pushed, kicked yelled
Night after night put me through hell
All I did was love you
Gave you someone to run to
I'm sorry I was the wrong sex
Afraid to tell people I'm your ex"
Untitled:
"I bled for you,
I cried for you.
I screamed for you,
I lied for you.
All this time was willing to die for you,
Only to find out I was
"just another guy" to you."
