(A/N: This is a big, heavy, traumatic topic. So it will be relatively disorganized and I will constantly add to it) (Trigger warning: rape (obviously), emotional abuse, gaslighting, etc.)
(when "I" is lowercase it's because at the time of writing it I didn't feel like a person, just a product of abuse)
10/5/18: Don't look into his eyes. They'll tell you nothing but lies. That nice guy shit was all a disguise. Just tryna get between your thighs. And now he's gone, got you wondering why. Because you couldn't see for all this time. He was in it for more than your beautiful eyes.
10/30/18: Some people think being raped by a loved one is a loud, violent affair. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's like you're lying in freezing cold water, shaking, shaking, struggling to catch your breath. You reach for your trusted person, he's wearing a life preserver. But then you see his face and you realize... he's the one holding your head underwater. The cold makes you cold after a while, to the point where you can't feel your body, you see that it's being forcibly moved, but all you hear is ringing in your ears. All you see are the blue and red sparkles that come when you press down on your eyes, or when you're about to pass out. The moment right before you slip out of this world. And all you feel is your heart in your throat. Your mind goes blank, fuzzy. When it's over and you are still shaking, he will apologize. Not because he's sorry, but because he's fearful you understand what just happened. You are no longer a person to him. You are a thing to be dominated and pointlessly thrusted into. I am not your property. My body is my own. And even though I cannot feel it now, I can see it and I know: I will heal. You have taken so much from me and I believe your actions will take more from me still. You may have taken my body, but you will never again go near my heart.
11/4/18: I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hope I broke your heart into a million fucking pieces that you can never get fully back together. I hope you lie awake at night, thinking of every little thing you did wrong. I hope it makes you sick that someone actually loves me. Someone who won't make me settle, make me constantly question their love, won't act like I'm fucking crazy for caring about them, won't ignore me for days... just to see how I'll react, who won't use me for sex once he's decided that my heart isn't good enough anymore, who won't sleep over at other bitches' houses and use my anxieties as weapons to keep me dependent, but most of all, a person who WON'T FUCKING RAPE ME, knowing full well the police won't do shit. So keep writing your little songs, painting me as the villain because karma is real and you're in for a shit storm.
11/12/18: An attempt to understand? Dear David, I can't say that I'd go back and do everything different if I could. You led me to my life partner, for that, and that alone, I am grateful. If I were to speak to you again, all I'd really have to say is "why?" You loved me, you really, truly did. I was your sun but you let me burn out. How did you go from giving me your precious virginity, planning your life around me and worshipping me to disrespecting me and abusing me, feeling nothing as I carved lines into my soft skin? How were you capable of pushing me away and then claiming I ran? How did you watch me cry over you, lose faith in you, move on from you? You were supposed to be it for me. For someone who claimed to want forever, you sure gave up easy. I see now that that decision is my gain, but the question still plagues me: Why was it so goddamn easy?
4/21/19: You know what makes me sick? That i had an effect on you... i shared those parts of me with you and you kept them. i'm a part of you.... and it disgusts me. You raped me. You raped me and no one cares. Idk if anything will ever make that ok.
4/28/19: And i realize you love it. The resentment. The way your hate tears through my body like venom. i scratch you and you bite me. i'm fighting. i'm crying. i'm trying. But you love it. You melt through my mind like acid. My brain is melted. How funny it is that on paper we're more compatible now, after everything "Maybe it's meeting the right one at the wrong time." You make me question the human capability for cruelty. The capability for psychopathy. i was engaged to a literal psychopath and you make her look like a breath of fresh air. You loved that i didn't want you, trapped. You loved that you were the reason i'd shake. Didn't your mama tell you it's cruel to play with your prey before you devour it? You lust after being the victim. If i hadn't liked that dumb bitch then you wouldn't have had to rape me, right? "Not long till you had another guy" Actually. Her tits are fantastic. There are two types of passion. COMpassion and hateful passion. That's why hate sex fuels you. But I got out. I'm free. And even as I peel my skin. Hyperventilate. Shake. Sob. Desperately try to block out that numbing feeling you give me. It starts in my legs and goes up. Paralyzing me. I'm stuck. Even as I scream and cry, I am in control. You do not own me or possess me in any way. I am a survivor.
