Peculiar

My Name

'Thud'

I lost my balance and fell at the same time the empty bottle of what used to be filled with sleeping pills made a sound after hitting the wooden floorboard.

An enigmatic feeling forced itself through my chest wanting to burst out. I couldn't help but clutch onto my shirt tightly and roll around the floor, sweating profusely.

I wanted to rip my chest off, unable to torelate the unbearable pain that tormented my mind more than my physical body.

It was beyond comparison.

Why do I have to suffer until the end?

Thoughts and memories, all of those I tried to forget, rushed through me, forcing its way into my mind.

I tried screaming my loudest to release the agony I felt but no voice came out.

My incoherent sobbing filled my parent's eerie bedroom. I knew it was the master bedroom but it had never been so big... and empty.

The warmth I felt whenever I'd sleep with them was gone in the cold floor, the furniture which looked so old, that were once so lavish and grandeur, gave me the creeps, and the hanged photo on the wall made me feel so surreal.

It was unbelievable that the person in the photo was me.
She was smiling, obviously happy with her accomplishment as she was holding that certificate of moving up.

Something was amiss though...

Anyone who knew 'her' would knew with just a glance.

She wasn't 'her'.
She wasn't her at all.

It was very suffocating; how I couldn't understand myself, my actions and what I have done to myself now.

I was in depths of abyss, crying for help would not give me much.
Then again, I realized the biggest mistake I have ever done and this was it.

But also, I am too late.
There's no going back.

I don't want to die...

There was no repeat button nor save button in one's life.

Treasure yours.
You can still be saved.

Trust me.

No one would hear me, well no one could, even at my best... no one will, no one can or at least that's what I think it is.

If only I tried more, maybe someone would notice...

I guess the last drop of my energy finally ran out.

The edges of my body started feeling numb from one finger to another.
I felt a tear run down my face like the trace of a slug on a leaf.

In some ways I guess I couldn't process what was happening and what I just did.

That tear turned into waterworks as my mental state broke.

It was too late to ease my pain, my hopes were long gone, I was merely deceiving myself.

I wanted to live, too. I don't want to die. No, save me.. anyone, anyone.. someone...

"...please."

I tried reaching the door.

It amazed me; how devoted I was in that exact time, I have never been in my entire life.

Alas, I couldn't touch anywhere near the knob.
The weight on my body burdened me, it was heavy beyond comparison.

No one can ever explain nor imagine the rejection of my own body on my will to live as if it was punishing me for doing my wrongdoings and I were to pay for it.

My vision started getting blurry.
The lacrimal glands of my eyes squeezed every ounce of the tears it hold making me feel like freshly cut chili peppers were purposely placed inside of it.

A burning sensation rose up and came hurling out of my mouth.
Inside the frozen world, I threw up.

It was my call to reality; my reminder that this wasn't a dream.

That sickening sensation stayed there rumbling as a second-round threatened to come up.

The time is running so fast sucking up my soul, I know... I'll be gone soon, but can't I be greedy for the first and last time? I can't last any more longer.

The thousands of needles piercing troughout all of my body and the feeling of a rusty crosscut saw penetrating my chest finally stopped as abhorrent blood came out gushing out of my mouth.

The disgusting stench of the puddle was horrible.

I'm sorry I was so weak. I'm sorry I couldn't handle it.

I'm so sorry for not being able to stay, but please understand me, it hurts, it stings... their words hurt me more than physical pain.

"n- no more, please..."

I was so scared and lonely... no one could ever to understand me.

They were so mean.. help.. me..

"Cael!"

That's right Cael is my name...

I heard my name from a voice so caring yet so furious, so familiar yet so foreign, so delicate yet so loud.

The cold air rushed in from the open door and I could hear their rushed footsteps coming to me like the sound of a bulldozer that has come to pick me up and finally bury me, it is scary but I can't move.

The stench of my vomit and sweat reached my nostrils as the whiff of cold air caressed my back sending chills to every end of my body.

I felt it, it was my end.

I'm glad I got to hear my name before I go.