Sinful Graditude

Leaving

I could here her steps creaking behind me as I dragged my shoulders and hurry my way up to my room.

Mom: "You can't just go, You're not moving to California please re-think your options!"

My mom exclaimed as I then sat on my bed staring at her thinking of how my life couldn't be more complicated than this. After continuously hearing her bantering I interrupted her

Allison: "God Mom I told you before! I don't want to stay in Arizona let alone for college, you knew how I felt about this place, I've always hated it"

Rolling my eyes and leaning back against my sturdy bedpost.

Allison: "How come you have such a problem with it but dad doesn't"? I asked.

Mom: "He doesn't but that doesn't mean you fly across the damn world, what are you nuts and of course he doesn't since when has he cared about anything"? 

Dad: "Hey I heard that"

My dad said peaking into the room and grinning at my mom as she tried to talk behind his back but failed.

Allison: Mom, you do realize California is not that far from Arizona right"?

I asked questioning her intelligence.

Allison: "Maybe I am nuts Mom but I'm not staying here, you're the one who helped me fill out my papers to this college and you knew this was my whole idea".

Mom: "I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WAS REAL OKAY?

She said yelling back harshly, I ignored what she said and laid back then closed my eyes as she spoke again. I couldn't help but think of a different life out there waiting for me, I could hear my mom still yelling at me but my thoughts took over her speaking, so all I could hear were her faded mumbles. I thought of myself meeting new people and traveling to different places it was like a fantasy coming to life. Every time I thought of California I imagined beautiful girls and boys living the high hot life. Never having to worry about anything. Here in Arizona there was pratically nothing. I had to admit that I have lived in Arizona all my life so I was abit nervous, and my mother wasn't doing anything at all to help. I thought some more about my fantasy life but my thoughts drifted off. I could again hear my mom yelling at me again but before she sould say something else I cut her off

Allison: "OKAY MOM, listen I know you want me to stay here forever but don't you want what's best for me?"

Mom:; "yes I do but"

-- I cut her off.

Allison: "But what? I know you're going to miss me but I'll stay in contact with you..You know I always do have winter & spring break right?"

I said getting up to hug her, She looked hurt by the truth. As a matter of fact after our talk I heard her crying from the other room. It was like she took all that enegry from all the time we talked about college and threw them at me now that I was finally leaving. I didn't want to disturb her or comfront her, Times like this I knew my mom just wanted to be alone and didn't want be disturbed or bothered with sympathy, Especially since I was the one who was causing her to cry. I closed my door to silence her cries and sat on bed looking around my whole room. Was this it? Was i suppose to just get up and start living a whole new life? I wanted to so badly but I began to doubt myself. What if my mom was right, what if I was nuts to just get up and go I thought. I got up and started pacing around my room biting my nails hard until I felt blood forming from my cuticles it took me a lot of thinking and pacing to finally just realize that this was what I wanted. Ever since I was little I hated the idea of living in Arizona. I reminisced on my childhood-self complaining to move from here, Literally living in heat and a "deserted" place was not for me, I thought of the pros of living in California. I was use to the heat so living in California wouldn't be a problem and it would be a great chance to finally find myself and what I really wanted as well as meet new people which was great because I hadn't had that many friends in Arizona so this was the chance of a life time. I again admitted to myself that this was going to be a huge impact on me to just get up and go but I wasn't going to let anyone or anything ruin my chance, for a new life.