Two weeks after the meeting and lunch with Josie. I haven't left the house much, I've even been excused from school for a while. My doctor's want to start me on chemo soon, because the mass is slowly growing.
I haven't told anyone outside of my family that it came back. The truth is, I'm to scared to accept the fact that I could die soon. I have gotten past the point of tears everytime it is mentioned. Mom and Dad try to comfort me as much as they can, Branan just ignores me more than usual, and Jaeger pretends that nothing is wrong. But I can hear her crying and praying for me at night like she did when I was diagnosed the first time.
My leave from school expires in two days. I'm not looking forward to explaining why I've been gone. I have been ignoring all the text messages from people at school. I just clear all the text notifications when my phone goes off. Except one person. Josie.
She said, "I saw you at the hospital a few days ago. Why didn't you say hi?"
I couldn't think of a good way to respond, "I didn't see you. So hi, I guess."
"Okay, do you have to come up here again soon?"
"I think I do sometime this week. I don't know."
"Make sure to say hi if you do come."
I lay back on my bed with a pillow on my face and dropped my phone next to me. After a minute I throw the pillow across the room and sit up coughing. I can't breathe, my chest is burning. I force myself to throw open my door and stumble into the hallway as I start choking up blood. I trip on the stairs and start to slide when Dad runs to catch me.
"Branan! Get the keys and start the truck. Landry has to get to the hospital. Now!"
I can hear him run down the stairs and out the door, but I don't have enough oxygen in my body. I'm blacking out.
Dad carries me out to the car and calls the hospital. Branan is on the phone with Mom, she is at the gym for Jaeger's gymnastics meet. I can't see and I'm still coughing up blood, but he sounds scared. I can feel the rumble of the truck underneath me, but that's all that I can remember.
Two hours later I wake up in a blindlingly white room. A hospital room. I can't move my head very much, but I lift my arm up to feel all the tubes and machines that are attatched to me. I can hear a faint beeping noise that I identify as the heart montior, it sounds steady enough. I locate the button that calls the nurse station and press the big red button. After a few seconds, I can hear footsteps approaching my door. When the door opens, I glance over and see my parents and my doctor coming closer to me. I try to smile at Mom, but I don't have very good control of my head and face.
"Don't worry Landry. You're going to be alright," I look towards the voice of Dr. Stephen Morgan. "You blacked out because you blocked your airways. The mass in your left lung has grown into your right one. We don't have anyother choice but to surgically remove most of the mass and continue the chemo treatment." The dams I built up aginst the tears crumble. Mom squeezes my hand as Dad turns around with his hand on his face. The stiffness in my body dissapears as my shoulders shake. I pull my knees up to my chest and bury my head so they can't see my face. Dr. Morgan stand up and walks to Dad, I can barely make out their whispers.
"We're going to have to keep him here over night and get the surgery done in the morning. I'm so sorry. I'll leave you guys alone to think things over."
"Thank you Doctor." Dad says quetly as he turns back towards us. Mom has already crawled onto the bed and wrapped her arms around me. Dad walks around to the other side and holds us both. Dad starts humming the melody that they used to sing to me every night when I was first diagnosed. I don't know why, but they haven't sung it since I was told I was cancer free. Mom picks up with the lyrics as Dad restarts the first verse.
"Dear chlid of mine, don't fear
For you are protected, your angels are near
Sleep well, sweet dreams, oh, how small you appear
We can see your future so clear"
As they sing, I cry harder, finally hearing what their words mean. I think of the first night they sang my lullaby to me. I was terrified, I didn't know why I had to stay in the hospital without my family. I didn't know why I was sick, I didn't know why I was always in pain. I'm still wondering what the answers are.
"Designed to have a great mind
Who knows why our lives have intertwined
We hold you so near, so loving and kind
You are safe, so leave all your fears behind
Untold stories wait for you, stand tall and be bold
You will always have our hands to hold
We are protection from the cold
Our sweet baby, your heart is gold
My little boy, we will never say goodbye
Wherever you are, we are always nearby
We are here to help your tears dry
For this is your lullaby"
What future do they see for me now? I can't even see one for myself. The doctors said that I probably won't make it past sixteen, I didn't believe them before, but now I do. I think that this is all harder on my parents than it is on me. I am used to it, I've had cancer before and I got through it. But, they had to go through it with me. I'm not scared of death, but I still don't want to go. I know that they are scared for me, scared that their little boy could die at anytime.
It is harder this time around because it is spreading faster and it's stronger than before. Maybe I am scared. Maybe I'm just too afraid to admit it.
