Apologies

How Cruel

"Don't you get it? It's your fault Mahiru is dead."

"...No, not just Mahiru. Pekoyama died because of you, too."

"It's all your fault!"

Somehow I always seem to do this. Just like my appearance, I'm truly a child on the inside. I just can't seem to convince myself that sometimes I'll come into contact with tragedy. I always pin everything that doesn't happen as I wish on someone else, so I don't have to worry about it.

I'm stupidly selfish.

Because, on the inside, I know that everything is my fault.

I just stand there bullying Kuzuryuu. I keep telling him that it's all his fault.

All his fault.

All his fault.

In my head I'm screaming at myself. "Stop! Leave him alone!"

But I've changed myself. It's a habit now.

Sometimes I wonder exactly when I decided this was the right thing. I want to go into the past, go up to little old Hiyoko Saionji and say no.

Being a bully will not fix your problems.

It will make them worse. Not only for you, but for your target as well. I never even knew how bad the impact was until that very moment.

Kuzuryuu bent down own his knees. Without thinking, I told him that his apology was half assed.

Then it drowns upon us. A pink puddle flowing quickly out of Kuzuryuu's abdomen. It spills and spills, staining the hardwood floor and blurring our vision. He had slit his very own stomach. Making us all wonder: why?

It stabs me in the chest. He agreed with me. He felt like he was truly the culprit. I had never known bullies actually managed to get their targets to believe what they're saying. I thought everything was just denial.

He had just introduced himself. Everything he was trying to change. I swung at his glass with my baseball bat, and didn't bother picking up the shards.

In my mind I'm yelling even louder. "CULPRIT! CULPRIT!"

Times like these are when a tiny bit of the real me pokes through my shell. I recoil in fear. I'm the real person who stabbed him. He wouldn't have done it otherwise.

My one excuse I always retreat to is my childhood. Everyone seemed to love my dances. Truly not everyone loved them. There were so many perverts.

Even so, I used that as justification, when really, it didn't even come close.

The world's full of cruel people, just like me.

From that moment onward there were so many apologies I wanted to make. I wanted to go to Tsumiki and tell her how sorry I was for calling her a whore. I wanted to tell Kuzuryuu it really wasn't his fault. I want to tell Tanaka I'm sorry because I was inconsiderate, and didn't understand his talk of 'powers'.

I want to apologize.

But that damn shell won't let me. As a boulder, it remains motionless.

If only they could read my mind.

If only they could hear my apologies.