Pistanthrophobia

PT.1

"Uuwi ako sa huwebes. Magkita tayo sa plaza. Gusto na kitang makita at makausap. I miss you."

"Uuwi ka? pero paano pag nalaman ni Chi na makikipagkita ka sakin?"

"Hindi yan. Hindi niya yun mahahalata. Magtiwala ka, babe."

"Sigurado ka ah? I miss you too, babe."

"Kita tayo ah! 4pm sharp. Kasama ko sila Raf."

"Oo ba."

"Out nako. I love you, babe."

"Sige, Ingat. I love you too, babe."

Oh shit! Halos mangatal ang mga daliri at mismong kamay kong may hawak ng cellphone sa mga nabasa ko. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Nanlalamig at nanginginig ang kalamnan ko. Pero ni isang luha ay walang napatak. Namanhid ako bigla. Ni hindi ako makaramdam ng galit o ano. Kundi panlalamig. I bit my lowerlip at pilit kinakalma ang sarili. But I failed. Para akong nauubusan ng hangin sa katawan. Habol ang hininga sapo ang dibdib. Hindi malaman ang gagawin.

I..I...I am betrayed..again.

Samu't saring negatibong salita ang nag uunahang pumasok sa isip ko.

Am I not enough?

Am I not good enough?

Am I worthless?

Ganoon nalang ba kadaling ipagpalit ako? Isabay ako sa iba?

at ang pinaka masakit sa lahat..

bakit pinsan ko pa?

na alam na may namamagitan samin?

I was mad. But my mind isn't right.

And that was I found myself typing using my boyfriend, I mean ex boyfriend account.

"Hi. Sayo na siya. Sana sinabi niyo sakin. Ibibigay ko naman siya. Sana maging masaya kayo." I said. Sa kabila ng panginginig ng aking kamay at panlalamig nagawa ko pa ring itipa ang mga katagang 'yon.

Saka ako nag log out sa account ni Staunch.  My three months boyfriend. Now its over. When I checked all their conversations I found out that it was almost two months since he cheated. They cheated. We are three months today. Yet, I am fooled by him two months ago. Dang it!

Kaya pala. Kaya pala hindi ako mapakali kanina pa. Kaya pala kahit hindi ko ugaling makielam ng account ng iba. Gustong gusto kong buksan yung messenger niya. And that's the reason why. A girl instinct is always right. That's hurt. But not a lot. Sanay na ako.

Pang apat na beses na nangyari to. I must be aware. Pero naloko pa rin ako. Nakakainis. I've been blind and deaf. But hell, I didn't felt this coming. Buong akala ko ay iba siya.

He's too good to be a liar. He's too good to keep it a secret. For all the stupid effort, care and love I gave. I received this, Do I deserved to be cheated on?

How dare he?!

I open my personal account and start chatting him. Bid my goodbyes and thanking him for everything.

I'm not crying. And I know why. I'm just too numb to felt it. I should be crying right now but, my eyes never did.

I didn't blocked him. Or cursed him.

It was just a angelic farewell I typed. Am I too good? Nah, I'm just letting him eating by his own conscience. And I will never ever let him win me back.

Gaya nga ng kinalabasan. Halos magmakaawa siya sakin na wag ko siyang iwan, na wag ko siyang bitawan. Handa siyang iwan si Dally at iwasan wag lang akong mawala sakanya.